The End of an Era

It's been nearly 2 months since my last post.
Ha, I type that and feel like I'm in a Bloggers Anonymous meeting.

Today I honor myself by typing the final post.

I do believe I've come to a comfortable conclusion to this chapter in life.
I will continue to live, compose and illustrate but the overarching theme of life is no longer my compulsion to eat, my feelings of worthlessness or joan. Yes Lou Lou, she has made it entirely into lower case (even though I desperately want to capitalize the J to be grammatically correct), she's not even in the foot notes of life anymore which, if you look back, is a major accomplishment.

My therapy has stopped for now, and perhaps on this topic, forever.
My need to blog has ceased.
My disdain for my body is gone and is in fact replaced with an inexplicable love for my body
I am enjoying eating to heal my body and although it isn't a goal, have actually shed some pounds. More importantly, I've become healthier and my shape a bit more sultry which I can only attribute to eating the way my body was meant to in the first place.
My hair is healthier and LONG and yeah I could go on and on...basically I'm quite happy.

I haven't felt that clawing, gnawing feeling since my trip to Austin.
Lots of wonderful things happened on that trip that I won't go into here.
If you're interested, drop me a line and I'll share personally.

This blog has been an amazing tool in my recovery.
All the folks I've met along the way, the opportunity to just "blap" my thoughts on virtual paper and get them out of my head where I could sort through them...all absolutely vital to who I am now.

I think I'll book it...you know those sites where you can print your blog as a book...I think bears saving.

So this is the end, the final post.
I'm on to new things...keep your eyes on my website http://www.liveinauthenticity.com/ for the next chapter in my life and stay in touch!

Am I different?

I started this journey in March of 2009. This journey of acceptance and self discovery as it relates to why I choose food as my drug.
I began therapy in April of that year and have found a therapist I gel with and have been working with since December.
But am I different?

I don't hear Joan as much anymore
Although I did picture her singing the lyric of the Violent Femmes song...she misses me. The feeling is not reciprocated.

I'm not any thinner in fact I might be heavier.
Not by much.
In fact, I'm about the same weight I was when I met my husband. He reminded me that he fell in love with me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean the physicality of this.
I believe this week I should focus on the WAYS in which I am better for having lived through this past year so that I can shrug off the 'heaviness' I feel in my skin.
This 'heaviness' could have me searching for Joan.

So
Why did I begin this journey in the first place
What was my intended outcome when I started
What is my intention now
Do I need to re-orient myself

I am not any thinner
Am I better in other ways?
Why does thinner have to equal better?
I don't necessarily BELIEVE that equation, but it is what my fingers typed and therefore should be pondered.

If losing SOME weight is part of my intention...why am I not losing any?

This past week in therapy we touched on my need to feel noticed
Not in a "look at me" sort of way but in an "i'm not invisible" sort of way
I wondered, in the past, if I eat in order to make myself larger so that you can't miss me
If that's the case, what is causing me to feel "invisible"

It's been a very long time since I've binged
For you regular readers...you'll notice the counter went away months ago
I'm not defined by my binges
I have had some drive through moments
Not 'drive through for 6' moments...which is an improvement (one way in which I am better)

I FEEL my body now
I feel the rolls in my stomach and the crease of my hips
These feelings are not comfortable
I'm not in search of physical vanity but I do not think comfort is a lofty goal
I wonder if somewhere inside me comfort is something I don't deserve
One of those "good things" that I'm not allowed to have

Okay...that's enough to wonder about today

Acceptance

I haven't written in a while
Can't really explain why
Some of the reasons I write are

• to avoid a binge
• to work through a feeling
• to document a breakthrough
• to have a place to dump what's in my brain

Guess I haven't really needed any of those things lately

Which...can be seen as a good thing :-)

I turned 38 this past weekend

No, I don't feel any older

We're getting closer to the finishing touches on the living room...I'm am uber excited about this fact

My 'design' self has had a chance to flex her idea muscles and it feels glorious

I've come to a place of acceptance with my size

It's not a bad thing

or an "I'm settling thing"

It's just where I am

It doesn't bother me to buy bottoms that are XL or to start with L tops rather than Mediums

(mind you...I'm talking summer clothes here, not an entire wardrobe of shopping)

I even bought a bathing suit without thinking or blinking twice.

Acceptance is good

“Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” William James

I start a new kind of therapy next week ...and I'm back to group this week too (due to a hiatus at school).

I am quite excited about the new form of therapy...it's mostly used with those who suffer from PTSD and should be able to help me unlock the disconnect between my brain and my good monster. Yes, I'm still nervous about it...but as my therapist said last week, "You've already lived through it, so you don't have to be afraid."

School is to Food still exists

This week it crept up on me because I FORGOT that I have a Monday night class 

so I didn't have time to fret about it

our campus has moved...so there is no fast food between work and school (bonus)

and hopefully this new therapy will help me unlock the 'is to' portion and move on

These days, I'm feeling good

Marriage is good

Family is good

House is good

Nothing is perfect...and that is good

Ahhh I've missed writing

I look forward to reading your thoughts

more soon...off to finish painting a wall

xo

So sorry if you follow both of my blogs...

this was worth a repost!

The Universe has shown me on several occasions just this week that it is time to stop dreaming and just DO.

My goal?

To be recognized and sought after as an esteemed communication and relationship coach in the areas of personal, social and professional relations.

Turns out people recognize this quality in me...and even seek out my skills already so I'm jumpin' in while I work on the "esteemed" part...

So by July 15th I will

• meet with my web designer and outline launch of my website
• make contact with at least 2 potential mentors who can help me create my fee structure
• contact local organizations (churches, community centers, etc.) and book 3 introductory workshops

Ta Da

So let it be written...

So let it be DONE

still writing...

I posted my next article
Earth day is Every day
each one feels better than the last
I'm getting ready to start a series on what the Bible really says about Homosexuality
I'm sure I'll stir up some controversy with that one...
~grin~

blah.blah.blah.blah.blah.blah.blah....

Joan started talking last night
I have noticed that my fingers only capitalize the first letter of her name so I'm going with that.
It would be a conscious decision and action to change it...and I'm not going that route!

I just started writing for an online info site
I'm excited about it because it's a step in the direction I want to take in the next chapter of my career
I spoke up a bit in group last night
And now all I can hear is...

photo credit

You know, no one wants to hear what you have to say...
You really should've just shut up last night...
What are you doing there anyway...

Sigh...I haven't heard her in a while
but she sat on the arm of the couch last night
she didn't say anything, but I knew she was there

Otherwise, I'm really feeling alright
I don't feel like soothing
I feel like I have my to-do list under control
I'm still proud of writing and I'm going to avoid having to write the biggest-best article in the world and submit something this weekend for publishing...

We're going out with friends tonight
This is a 'do-over' from a few months ago
I feel safe
Looking forward to it
Fretting because I don't know what my tween is doing
but that will all work itself out

You talk too much
You don't know everything
No one else cares

harumph :(

The next BIG thing

If you've read my 100 List or have followed my blog for any length of time, you'll know that one of my aspirations is to be a writer...a published writer.
Yes, I realize that technically everytime I "publish post" I am a published writer but that's not what I mean!

A few weeks ago I submitted a writing sample to Examiner.com.
A few days later I got this...

Dear Babetta,


Thanks for applying at Examiner.com! We have reviewed your information, and think you would make an excellent Orlando Liberal Christian Examiner (in our Religion & Spirituality channel).

It took my breath away to read!

Now I'm official and I published MY FIRST ARTICLE last night.
Writing it came easy and I swear when I hit the "publish" button, I squeeled and jumped out of my seat!
Hub looked at me with a raised eyebrow to which I exclaimed...

"I'm official! I just published my first on-line article!"

Okay now this one DOES feel fantastic
I told everyone I could think to share with RIGHT AWAY
I posted a link on Facebook, I sent emails and texts and messages
I guess I'm *gulp* PROUD of this one ;)

Nearest I can figure I feel really positive about this because it's another step in the direction I REALLY want to go with my life...
there's potential
there's hope
there's change

and I like hopey changey stuff
~grin~