C.A.S.E.

I'm a classic c.a.s.e.-er
I Copy And Steal Everything
If I see it and I like it...I copy it!
Heck, if I like the way you're doing something and I think it could work for me...well then voila! The highest form of flattery!
As we know better, we do better...and if you know better, well then I'm learning from you so I can do better too!
All that to say...I stole this from a fellow conquerer I read and she stole it from this site...

There are definitely days when my effort feels like 'not enough.'
As a wife, as a mom, as an employee, as a student, as a human! And we won't even go into how JOAN can make me feel substandard with a glance...
So, time to think on other things because...

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. Philippians 4:8 ~The Message

1. The things you’re grateful to have

Think of the things you’re grateful for. Food, shelter, family, friends, a car, all the big and small things many aren’t fortunate to have.

• I'm grateful for my job, for my friends, for my Holly Hobbie Lunch box,
• I'm grateful for my hub and kids, for music, my blog, my counselor, for colored pencils and dancing in the kitchen while I put away the dishes.
• I'm grateful for Spirit who loves me and for my resurfacing Babsness! 

2. The things you’re grateful NOT to have

Each of us can come up with something we’re grateful not to have. Perhaps you’re grateful not to have a disease, enormous debts, or perhaps you’re happy you don’t have a lot of money.

• I'm grateful that I don't have MS, that was a real scare last year.

3. What you want to do today

Quick thoughts about the daily goals you want to accomplish and the plans you’ll need to take to get them done.

• I want to get my grocery shopping done and read some more of my book.
• I'll grocery shop this afternoon after work since dinner is leftover lasagna from the weekend and I'll read some tonight while Bm is in tumbling class

4. What the future holds

Think about what tomorrow, the next month, or even the next five years will bring you.

• I look forward to the changes we're making to the house.
• I'm working on a potted garden and can't wait for more fresh herbs to use in the kitchen.
• I'm looking forward to my 5K on March 6th. I'm proud of the fact that I've DECIDED I don't have to be perfect...participating is a HUGE step.
• I'm excited about graduating with my BA.
• I'm excited about writing and teaching and sharing the true knowledge of authenticity with as many people as I can.
• I'm excited to know I'll be able to see Joan Crawford as just another actress!

5. Think about one of your fears

We all have fears, some are big and some are small. Focus your thoughts on one.

•  I'm afraid that we'll get too far behind in our finances.

6. Think of a way to face that fear

Think of one way in which you can face your fear. Even if it’s something small it’ll bring you one step closer to fear’s face.

•  I actually have faced this fear, head on. I pray about it, out loud, with my hub each night before we fall asleep and I've stopped avoiding the situation. I've taken the steps necessary (especially with our house) and I just 'tell it like it is.' Being honest about where I am, what I'm doing and how I'm doing with whomever will listen helps this fear not seem so big and scary
• Gee...sounds a lot like how I'm dealing with JOAN.

7. One new thing you’d like to do

Think of something new you’d like to try. Do this every day you possibly can, you’ll never have too many goals and dreams.

• I'd like to start a podcast.

8. The things you didn’t accomplish yesterday

Think about the things you wanted to get done yesterday, but didn’t. Then plan on getting them done today.

• I would've liked the laundry folded...but Mondays are my long day, so I don't feel any sense of failure for not having done that.

9. Your greatest qualities

Every day think about the things that make you a great person. It’ll give you confidence and ambition to tackle anything.

• I am smart, I am silly, I am a great listener and an encouraging voice.
• I am fantastic at research and love learning.
• I am a great writer and orater.
• I can find the positive in any situation.
• I am a prayer warrior and a great singer.
• I have strong core values and a personal code of conduct that I apply to my work, family and social life.
• I am a talented, skilled interpreter and a budding counselor.
• I am kind, honest-to-a-fault, and validating.
• ...and I like long walks on the beach and dinners by candlelight (LMAO)

10. What you don’t like about yourself

We each have something we don’t like about ourselves. Perhaps you are too fearful, too quiet, or too arrogant.

• I cannot apply any of the above qualities to MYSELF! (ugh!)

11. How you can change what you don’t like about yourself

Think of some ways you can change. Sometimes it doesn’t take as long as you might think.

• Stop listening to JOAN
• She's the one who tells me I cannot succeed and will always fall back on old habits

12. How you can make someone else’s day a little brighter

Maybe send a friend a card to show you’re thinking of them.  Or even just complementing someone can make their day a little brighter.

• I go out of my way to thank people by name.
• When someone does something well, I tell them, right away.
• I admit and apologize when I am wrong.
• I call or text just to say I love you.
• I make time to listen and I'm not afraid to offer a word of mentoring when it is in order. 
• I smile, I'm silly and I laugh out loud.

13. Your life goals

You won’t be able to think of all of your goals in life because you’ll always be adding more to your list. However, think about your current biggest dreams and goals. You can’t forget what you’re aiming for.

• 
  
  I will live free of JOAN
• 
  
  I'll once again have a successful and integrated yoga practice
• 
  
  I will love my body as much as I love my mind and soul
• 
  
  I will be a successful teacher/writer/speaker
• 
  
  I will travel the continent with my hub in a Minnie Winnie
• 
  
  We'll live in a Yurt in Colorado
• 
  
  I'll travel to france with my Soul Sistah and BFF

14. How yesterday’s problems are today’s motivation

Don’t let the problems of your past prevent you from moving forward. Think of how you can use the problems to motivate yourself to change and resolve.

• Those problems are in the past so obviously I have gotten through them...this means I CAN be successful and see things through to completion! There's nothing I can't tackle!

15. You only have one life

Think about this: you only have one shot at life. So make the most out of every second you have. Reminding yourself of this will help you seize each day.

photo credit

One year commitments

If you follow my other, not so personally intense or exposing blog, you'll know that I have decided not to drastically cut my hair until October 31, 2010. Yes, I'll get a trim from time to time...but I'm growing it long, it is sorta long already but I'm going for more...and it's AWKWARD right now. I'll never really know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll if I keep taking a bite!
(sorry ran with the random similar metaphor and I won't go into how it's an EATING metaphor...)

I'm considering straightening my hair to get through the awkward phase...I LOVE it straight so it would be a way to reward myself without food, but the crunchy side of me is having a REAL hard time with the idea of having formaldehyde on my head.

Anyway...I digress

I've set another 1 year habit creation.
I'm not checking my weight again until January 25, 2011
I may step on a scale, at the doctor's office or for some reason like that, but I will not look and I will request the information not be shared.
This way, I'll find NEW ways to measure my healing journey...and the scale won't wreck or derail me.
My recent experience showed me that I hang a lot on numbers. Rather than being satisfied, and even proud with the fact that I had nourished my body in a healthy way, OR that I had actually lost 2 pounds, I wondered why I didn't lose 5. Why should losing matter at all... did you read that? I fed myself in a nourishing way, I honored my gluten intolerance, I found glory in the scrubbing and chopping of vegetables and pride in the meals I created for my family. Which...by the way...they devoured with joy.

A good way for me to remember to work on a NEW habit...is to remember that I'm working on breaking an old one. So I'm not stepping on the scale because I'm teaching myself to find enjoy my healing journey in other ways.

And for the record...I haven't eaten from the candy jar at work in a while either.
It's been whispering to me this week. I've been telling it "no." (in my head)
I'm gonna start saying it outloud!

Have a great week!

photo credit

success

I lost 2.5 pounds this week!
I started week 3 of my couch to 5k and didn't die the first time I tried it
I love when that happens...when I can do the first day of a week's routine and make it through...it lets me know the rest of the week is doable, and I need doable things right now.

I'm spending time naked
okay I hesitated to type that
but it's true
naked, doing things in the room, folding laundry mostly
but being comfortable in my skin

grateful frugality

What if I ate because I had to? What if my food choices were based on what is available?

It’s easier to think about these things now given the current economic climate. It really may be that I only have $50.00 or $100.00 to buy groceries to feed my family of 5.

But it’s honestly, deep down inside, the way I want to be.
I never wanted to strip the dignity of my children growing up and wanting to order of the “adult menu”…graduating from a kids menu is a big deal… but if you’re not going to eat the food, why order it? Just because you can seems like an awfully selfish reason.

So, if what I consume at each meal is all I can “afford” it is also probably all I need. If I’m forced to be frugal with my food, might I not learn that I’m very well nourished, and fed?

I’m working on being more mindful
Mindful of what goes into my mouth (as well as what comes out of it)
(What if) we are on a fixed income and there was only so much food
I wouldn’t die
I wouldn’t suffer
Heck I’d probably save money on clothes because I could go shopping in my closet

So I’m living like a pauper
I’m reframing this thought in my mind though because although we may be struggling a bit financially, we are far from poor in the world’s standards.
So the reframing looks like this…I’m eating this much because it’s all that I need, not all that I can afford. (I guess that works no matter how thickly ones pockets are lined!)

Yes, by default I will eat less
But I’ve been doing that more lately anyway (eating less, more often…not eating more)
It may be a challenge given my dietary restrictions (gluten free doesn’t always come cheap). I think I may become more appreciative, and more present, of what and with what I eat…and “they” say when you are more present while eating…you feel the sensation of satisfaction more quickly…therefore removing the need to continue eating.
“I’m gonna enjoy these 5 bites of sandwich because they’re the only 5 bites I’m going to get…I’ll savor and taste each one”

This morning I had an egg, 2 links of sausage and half an orange with some coffee
I made myself a ham and cheese sandwich on the GF bread I baked last night, packed the other ½ orange and some cherries and a jamfrakas bar.
I ate the bar with some warm water mid morning. For lunch, I ate about ¾ of the sandwich…I wasn't hungry for any more ... haven’t had the fruit yet.
I carefully re-wrapped the rest of the sandwich…it seemed awkward, it was only ¼ of a sandwich that most people, even I a couple of weeks ago, would’ve thrown away. But it “may be all I have” so I’ll save it for when I need it.

It’s now 4:10 in the afternoon…a point in time when I’m usually stark raving mad because I’m famished (how ironic is that) and I’m quite satisfied. Really not even thinking about food except to type this entry and to realize that I still have some food in my lunch bag.

My family is having hamburger helper tonight
We received a CASEFUL of ground turkey for free from a friend who drives a truck. (a vendor left it on his truck during a delivery and didn’t want to pay to have it shipped back so they just told him to keep it). The middleson LOVES hamburger helper and I’m working on doing things for the kids that the KIDS want to do (no, I won’t prepare overly processed crap everyday but after a long day at work ..sometimes easy is good and middleson was ECSTATIC when he heard what was for dinner so I’ll take the bonus points).
I can’t eat hamburger helper…it is definitely not friendly to the GI-me so I’ll create a meal out of what we have left, being grateful that we have something I can make myself rather than grumbling because there is nothing I “want” or have the taste for.

Perhaps this exercise will help me lead with my stomach rather than my mouth J

I want my kids to be mindful of this kind of thing too…Bm, because I don’t want her to develop the mindless eating habits I did at around her age. The boys because I want them to find their identity in more than just graduating to the regular menu and buying the most expensive thing on the menu. It will be easier than when I tried to do this before…(see this is how I instinctively want to parent) when money was no object and the hub said “let them order what they want.” Maybe in having to practice frugality, we’ll find gratitude, we’ll find satiety, we’ll find nourishment in other things and yet still be fed.

nourishing myself

mmmmm fresh bread

A few weeks ago I scored a double loaf bread maker (2 1lb loaves at a time) on Craigslist for 40 bucks.

I tried it out Tuesday (at which time I didn't realize the capacity).

I got a dual loaf maker so I could make the fam regular bread and myself Gluten free bread...and so I can make bread for communion at church on Sundays. We've been trying the regular bread with a few gluten free crackers on the side...but inevitably someone dips their bread in the gluten free chalice and voila...cross contamination so I offered to make bread.

So...Tuesday night, I made bread from a mix

i didn't realize it was for a 1.5lb loaf

my maker is a 1lb loaf machine...so while it was tasty, it was waaaaay dense.

Tonight I tried again...from a mix but this time I portioned it for my maker...

yummm...with a shmear of pb and a drizzle of raw honey it was a perfect dinner (I wasn't very hungry). The hub even liked it too!

I remember when I used to avoid bread like the plague

thought for sure it would hit my hips and be the death of me

Amazing how tonight I was satisfied with the thinnest, warm slice with a transparent shmear of pb...I used to eat that stuff by the spoonfuls...large one's at that, and yes I'd double dip!

It's a nice newness.

Good For Me

A banana, a cup of coffee (mmmmm) and a string cheese

Drove to Tampa for a morning appointment

Knew the drive home would be long

picked 7-11 over McD's or BK because I knew they'd have healthier choices (that's sorta sad)

sliced apples, a hunk-0-colby jack, and a big bite, just the meat no bun

ate 2/3 of the big bite and was not interested in eating anymore (no, not because it was gross, because I was done eating)

tossed the rest out the window down the highway because my mouth would've taken "one more bite" for the flavor

another 20 minutes down the road

still not hungry, the rest will make it home to the fridge for another day

later in the day...

went the pub with my hub

ordered a kids portion of grilled chicken wings (it was perfect!)

played several games of pool and several dollars worth of songs in the jukebox (my pool playing gets better the better the music gets but dang...a dollar doesn't go far in a jukebox anymore!)

Energy meeting tonight

tried out the new bread maker and made gluten free bread to test out as an option for communion on Sundays...I think I'll make it on a different setting but it went over well with the dinner crowd.

salad, veggie pasta...spooned myself out an appropriate portion

ate my salad, and a few bites of my pasta

genuinely full

pushed the plate away

dessert consisted of fresh fruit

I took a couple of bites off the hub's plate to get the "pasta" taste cleansed from my palate

done

so...I tossed the bite and pushed away the plate

woo hoo!

Mindful does not mean mistake-free

Sunday
Mindful at breakfast, ate only what I needed

Out to lunch
Found Gluten-Free Fare (at an Italian restaurant no less!)
Shared a meal with Bm
Enjoyed a “shot” of dessert
Brought home a for-me-later bag (I don’t share with the dog)…yes even with SHARING my meal I was satisfied enough to bring some home for later!

Dinner
The for-me-later bag was perfect

Later…
Started thinking I may want to open the fridge and see what was in it
Realized I was just bored
Read some of my book
Thought about the fridge again
Realized I would love to go for a stroll…through historic downtown, through the mall…but it was 7pm on a Sunday…all the windows are rolled up by then
Did the dishes, threw in a load of laundry, did my push-ups
Sat back down…still thinking about the fridge door…although the constant dialogue in my head really WAS “you’re not hungry, so why do you keep thinking about the fridge door?”
Said out loud I was bored and needed to do something or else I would eat
Hub was into his movie so I decided to go weed the garden
Weeded. Pruned. Watered. Fertilized.
Came back in sat down…still bored
Push-ups in the bedroom, sorted some laundry
Watching a movie
I opted for pop-corn
Jiffy Pop to be exact
Popped, lightly salted and buttered
Hub wanted some and I got “greebby” (greedy and grabby) and influenced him to make his own

We both ughfully decided afterwards we should’ve shared

So next time, I’ll share the popcorn
And we’ll probably still throw some away

All in all a nice mindful day

This morning…
Mindful breakfast
Packed a lunch
Realized 10 minutes into my 20 minute drive I left my lunch in the fridge
Yogurt as a mid morning snack because I truly was hungry
Soup and Salad for lunch…and 20 minutes with my book because it’s good to take a LUNCH BREAK
Just popped 2 mini york patties because I felt like my mouth needed them, not my tummy

I used to pack a toothbrush in my purse for just that very reason
Tonight I’ll dig it out and pack it for tomorrow…and other such occasions

Again…a nice mindful day thus far
Buddha would be proud J Heck, Shirley would be clapping from the clouds too.

Kitchen Floor Cookies

No, this isn't a recipe although if you google that phrase it links to several recipes

This was the culmination of my afternoon

but this is a good story

We're entertaining the energy team tonight

I think there are 6 of us all together

We're making individual pizzas

I made my gluten free crust this afternoon

everyone is bringing toppings

should be fun...and help us get the creative energy flowing

I also bought gluten free chocolate chip cookie mix for dessert

blessed my time by cutting in the butter and egg and shaping them with love

as the first tray came out of the oven, the cookie rack slipped and 12 cookies hit the floor

I looked at the floor in disbelief

the two young'ns must've been scared because I had just finished being upset that #1son blew off the fact that his room needed to be clean for tonight (I don't ask for this a lot...God created closeable doors for a reason). Honestly, I don't feel as though the two issues were connected.

Interesting

As I cleaned the mess, middleone helped

and I quietly pondered how somewhere inside of me there was a piece that actually would've considered eating them, the pieces on the floor that is.

That somewhere inside was very foreign, not at all a desire, just something I recognized about myself.

I got over it and finished making the rest of the cookies

I ate two cookies

the rest are for guests after dinner tonight

yeah i ate em coz i was stressed and the warm gooeyness was good

but I didn't eat the ones off the floor

and I didn't lay into #1son

and he cleaned AND vacuumed his room in time

Success starts with self acceptance

That was my fortune in my fortune cookie last night
I didn't eat it (not because i'm depriving myself of cookies) because it probably contained gluten so my hub did the honors for me :)

I'm really loving this new sensation going on inside of me
I'm getting my selves in alignment so they can both (all) want the same thing and move closer to attaining it

Today I envisioned my dream self ...I can only see her full body from behind right now although I can see her face, neck and shoulders otherwise...anyway I "stepped into her" to try her on...immediately I sat up taller and could feel that I am a yogini again and felt like I had an internal groove...was jammin to something on the radio or some similar activity.

Then...I had to see if there was anything inside me that didn't feel comfortable in this new me and find it in my torso (because emotions hide in the torso...so if you find the discomfort in your toe, you're disconnecting!) So there it was, right at the base of my sternum (dang heart chakra)
I couldn't put a name to it just then but that's okay
whatever it is ...it's the piece that's not in alignment with the rest of me...the thing keeping me from moving forward 5 years.

Next, I physically removed it, I reached right in and pulled it out, held it in front of me and looked at it. I thanked it for sharing it's feelings with me.
I cant really describe what it looked like...I just got the feeling it was fuzzy, almost like a very small puppy or kitten.

After thanking it, I asked what gift it's trying to share with me? (remember, every behavior has a positive intention, a gift to yourself) and the first thing that came to my mind was protection

I tried not to dig too deeply...I see my rad counselor tomorrow and she helps me dig deeper, I just dig up :) But I did prod a bit more...protection from? failure
If you never try, you can't be hurt when you fail
ouch...little fuzzy at the bottom of my sternum isn't very fuzzy anymore

so this will be a good session
we have:
tug of war and fuzzy

I still love the tug of war metaphor because it gives me a reason, a name to my pain and fatigue...and several months ago in one of my blogs I mentioned the worst part was not knowing...I know now (and knowing is half the battle...sorry, couldn't resist)

fuzzy is okay too...there's something there coz it's like a kick to the chest but I'm just gonna hold it and love it and keep it close and together we can find new ways of protecting myself

OH YEAH
weeks ago I was supposed to come up with some artistic representation of my 7 year old self and my 11ish year old self

well my 7 year old self is a packet of sunflower seeds...not the whole packet, but because the picture of this particular type of sunflower is absolutely what I think of when I think of 7 year old me

so tomorrow I'll have some time before work and my appointment and there just happens to be a Lowes in between...I'll go peruse the seed racks for my 11 year old

:)

new look

 I love my new template

but I can't figure out how to work out some of the quirks

namely the "undefined" boxes on the left side of each of my post titles

but...

it screams me

it's bohemianesque

it's natural

it's free

it's 5 years from now me

see...if i manifest her now she may be closer than 5 years away

so what does your "five years from now" you look like?