Friday Night

So, since Bm is sleeping over at a friend's house and middleson is heading to the middle school dance, I did some research and decided I'm going to an OA meeting tonight, one that is actually meant for beginners so maybe I'll understand the process a bit more and not feel like in an AA meeting in cognito.

I had an urge to eat today when I got freaked out about finances.
I talked myself out of it and new there was no reason to freak out in the first place.
So I eat when my security is threatened.

Okay and honesty of all honesty
I started counting points again today
part of me feels GUILTY for doing that!
I know where that comes from
I started counting because of the Doctor's office Scale Shame of yesterday.
See, I have a follow up appointment next Friday so I can be LESS weight by then

Yes, true
this isn't necessarily a bad thing
but the motivating behavior isn't a good one!

So am I doing the expert's job by jumping into some sort of food plan?
or am I doing a healthy thing by focusing on what I'm putting into my mouth?
I feel guilty for eating healthy
how screwed up is that?!?!

Today in an email I typed the words "never thought I'd be a 12-Stepper..."
read into that what you will...like I think it's a bad thing, or defeat, or whatev.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I think of it yet
Am I really a 12 stepper? I HAVE bought the book
Tara says we're still "trying things on" to see what feels best
but heck, isn't that what I've done with the 3 pages full of diets I've tried throughout my life
Isn't it just time to put something on and be done with it?

Okay, enough of that
oddly enough I'm not talking myself out of tonight's meeting
I'm actually looking forward to it so that's gotta say something

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2010: The year I make contact

It's meeting night and I didn't go...but I had a good excuse and it wasn't JOAN.
I've been sick since Monday...tried to work Monday and Tuesday to no avail and went home early both days. I figured staying home Wednesday and sleeping ALL DAY would kick it but woke up this morning even worse than I've been all week so although I would've much rather stayed in bed, I managed my way to the doctor and $130 later, I'm on the mend.
Bronchitis with the added luxury of Sinusitis mmmmm, but had I not gone to the doctor it could've wound up pneumonia so I'm thankful I went, thankful for health insurance, and thankful I had the money for my co-pays.

Had I not gone to the doctor, I also wouldn't know that I put on 13 pounds in the past year

Yeah, could've done without that one
It's really not anything I didn't already know
and yes, she reminded me that it's true weight gain because my clothes weren't that heavy
she said that 3 times
ugh
"What happened to cause that"

ugh well gee doc,  I ate!
I started to blame it (in my head) on my gluten intolerance since nothing that is made to be gluten free is low in calories but that's a bunch of bunk
I almost told her I'm in therapy for my compulsive overeating
but I didn't
I got my meds for my horrible symptoms and went home

Why? I think because since I've seen her last she's become a Medifast pusher. Every door, every hallway had a poster promoting the positives. I don't know how a meal replacement diet can be considered positive. The tag line on the smiling model's poster said something hokey like 'with Medifast I didn't have to worry about what I eat so I could focus on Why I eat.'

I tried something like this before. I tried calling Jenny. I felt like such a buffoon. There was no thought whatsoever put into opening a box and pushing a button it actually made me feel WORSE.

Okay so no, I'm not happy about the 13 pounds of 2009
Especially because I was not happy 13 pounds ago

I think that's all I have to say about that right now

But yeah, the meeting...I'm just now barely breathing again so I stayed home recuperating
Work tomorrow
I've found an Ala-non meeting for next week and I bought this book

Yup I'm nervous about this
I've been reading about abstinence and it sounds well...BLAND
broiled, boiled, skinned, blah
but I'm not presupposing
and I'm not jumping ahead
and I'm not an expert
I'm just me...and I'm still on this journey
I'm in a different place than I was in February of '09
I understand some of my body's issues (my gluten intolerance), I've rid myself of my chronic pain, mood swings and general dis-ease, and I'm confronting JOAN
yes...2010 is the year I make contact...with ME


photo credit
photo credit

My drug of choice...

These meetings are going to be hard. Thursday night meetings read from "The Big Book," and there is no Big Book for OA...it's the AA book so we're reading about alcoholism and alcoholics keeping our own addictions in mind. Sometimes we change the word alcoholic with food addict, or alcoholism with compulsive over eating...but some of the stories don't lend themselves that way so we read about the disease of addiction and apply it to our own circumstances.

This is hard, because I've lived with addicts of one sort or another for pretty much my entire life. And yes, I want to change them. I AM that moderate drinker that can take it or leave it and thinks you should be able to as well. I WAS a recreational drug user that couldn't understand how you could blow your paycheck on a knot that was gone in one day...then lose your job because you were high for days and missed work. But I'm also the food addict that gets pissed off when someone says "Oh just one treat every once in a while won't kill you," or, "if you want to lose weight, just don't eat so much." Well DER!

I didn't talk much last night
I did identify with a passage in the story we read about the character's sober self being the antithesis of his true self ...this is SO who I am as a compulsive overeater and have been for years.
At the end of the meeting the leader asked me to pick the closing prayer
PICK?
There are choices?
"um, I don't know, I'm a newbie..."

We open every meeting with the Serenity prayer...so she suggested that would be a good closer that I knew...
"okay"

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference"

I realize something I cannot change if I want to break this cycle
I must face the fact that I cannot use my drug of choice - - I cannot compulsively overeat to soothe myself
This is gonna suck
I am gonna suck
withdrawal is gonna be a bitch
I'M gonna be a bitch
I'm not looking forward to it
I am looking forward to it
UGH

I have a counseling appointment today with Tara
Today we begin working on my Good girl/Bad girl perceptions

can't sleep I'll eat with the clown

I wasn't necessarily going for a nonsensical title...but I'm tired and it's Thursday and my body would rather stay here in my chair than get in the car and head to my OA meeting.

The last 2 meetings have been on holidays when we've been out of town, or just getting back into town so I haven't been since the first one.

I don't want to go
I'm sure it's JOAN
Hub told me to go
I'm gonna go
but I'd really just rather sit here

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see...even JOAN Has weird food issues!