Focused or Distracted? Either way it's all good

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I haven't written in a while
Thought maybe I was distracted
but perhaps I've been focused...there is so very much to catch up on but like the white rabbit, I'm late for a very important date...
okay I'm not late but I do feel a sense of urgency probably just because I'm just excitafrickinervous

I did go audition on Tuesday night and today I have a call back audition...I'll write more about that later.

Late Monday night early Tuesday morning the creeping crud decided it wanted OUT of my stomach so I've been battling some sort of stomach thing this week. Last night I finally ate something and digested it.

Some crazy things have been happening at work.
Some intense moments have happened in the house

But I've managed to stay okay for the most part.
Focusing (perhaps over focusing) on this audition has kept my attention so the other stressors didn't have a chance to effect me.

Oh yes...and most importantly, the counter got a face lift
I like it better now :)

that fix

Do you remember the scene in pay it forward where Helen Hunt's character tears the house apart frantically searching for ONE remaining drop of alcohol in her house
and she finds it
in the kitchen light fixture
and she drinks it
and everything feels right with the world for a second
but then it's not

yeah...
I know that feeling
it came in the form of a spicy chicken melt from checkers
some fries
and a hot apple pie that burned the roof of my mouth

She didn't care that she'd get sick
for that second she didn't care that she might fall off the step stool and break her neck looking... reaching for a drop of vodka

but for just that second
after that, she cared

i don't know why
i only know what was going on
i wasnt finished with my paper for class
(although I am now)
and my presentation is about what I want to be when I'm done with my education
it's all about me

ugh
I'll be sick tomorrow
I'll log too many calories today
and I'll restart my counter when I get home from school

I hate that "fix" feeling
I hate it and I love it all at the same time
GAH!

Asking for a recount

In the 2000 presidential election, Al Gore won the popular vote but lost the election.
If you lived in Florida at the time, you were the butt of the country's jokes as the awarding of Florida's 25 electoral votes was hanging by a chad. It was the closest election since 1876 and only the fourth election in which the electoral vote did not reflect the popular vote.

My decision to write this post does not reflect the popular vote. JOAN doesn't quite know what to think, my body is anxious and my mind is torn between whether this is a 'confession' or just a step in the process.

JOAN has been trying to play the semantics card.
I used food to soothe today...in a different way than I usually have, or mean when I say "use food to soothe."
There you go eating again, if you're really honest you'll write about it...but you won't because you're already wondering whether or not this counts" 


I stayed home from work and school today because I'm suffering from last night's gluten ingest.
My stomach has been VERY unhappy all day and eating has been touch and go today.
I think somewhere in the recess of my mind, this feels a lot like what my stomach would feel like towards the end of a binge and I'd keep eating until the 'feeling' went away.

A couple of times today I ate because I was hoping to get away from the uncomfortable stomach. How backwards right?
I was okay 'food plan' wise until I had some trail mix and peanuts (pretty high in calories/points)
But even if I HAD stayed on plan...my reason for eating was to ease discomfort
I was suffering from digestive distress and I tried EATING to soothe it?

So
I've restarted my counter
Once I pasted the code, I actually felt pretty good about it
My body 'rested' and JOAN shut up
She's still flitting her foot in the background...but she can't say anything.

I'm not going to restrict tomorrow
I didn't eat 'bad' food
I just ate for the wrong reasons
I'm learning not to learn that anymore
I'm sharing what I learn
OUT LOUD

so there...

photo credit

Great Googly Moogly!

Okay I really wanted to say HOLY SHIT! (but then I thought better of it)
really? It's been 50 days since I last used food to soothe!
man I love my counter thingie!!!

...so I don't eat

I'm going to go to bed soon...so I don't eat

but I write so I don't eat...so I'll do some of that first
I guess there are a lot of reasons why I might WANT to eat
my hub is snowboarding
i'm premenstrual
the condition of my house is bugging me (probably because i'm premenstrual and my hub is snowboarding)
i submitted a presenter application for 3 workshops at an upcoming weekend conference
ACK

I didn't really have any problems typing up my application and tweaking my resume (although I do need a presenter's resume...not an job hunt resume...maybe after I can add these 3 to my list of accomplishments I'll do that...)
I made a plan with my bff and gave myself a deadline of tonight.
She very kindly reminded me that today was Wednesday...submission d-day
and I knew when the sun went down, the laptop opened.

I did it
I even posted a FB status about it
and somewhere inside I'm nervous about it
so I'm thinking about the rice crackers I have in the pantry
of course I tell myself I'm not thinking about the boxful...just a few
but I'm telling myself OUT LOUD that I'm not having any and just going to bed
because even if it didn't turn into a binge or an indulgence...it would be a food soothe because I'm really not needing/wanting food for nourishment
so I just need to sleep
but that's hard
because the hub is snowboarding
sigh

So instead, I'll think about presenting this June
Two theatrical interpreting workshops and a yoga workshop for interpreters
Sharing what I've learned and put into practice, sharing what works for me, learning what works for others and networking

Yeah...networking
although I don't know that I want to go on the interpreting workshop circuit
I do know that I want to be teaching/presenting/mentoring in some capacity (actually...more about authenticity and finding self) Isn't that ironic. So this foray into the presenting world in more than just my backyard is a good step for me.

I don't need to eat something because I'm proud of an accomplishment. You haven't accomplished anything yet.  There is the potential for a binge here...but thankfully, I have enough people who 'know' that I can turn to that I think I can keep the counter rolling.

I also promise to be cognizant of any other sabotaging behavior
I have a biology test next Tuesday to study for
I have a concert coming up in a couple of weeks to prep for
I have a garden I'd like to work on this week
oh yes, and there is my 5K week after next

all of these are things I might 'passively kill' in order to avoid the accomplishment
but now you know about them
I don't have to do any of them perfectly...but I will do all of them.

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Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

I had group last night
I was THAT girl...I'm the one that cried
and I have a whole lot to say about my experience...but right now there are more pressing things on my mind.

I'm wrestling with the same old demons about going out tonight. My hub and I are headed to 'poker night' at a friend's house from our old church. Love the friends still close.
I keep hearing that I would just rather hang out with my hub.
I'm going to do something that I don't know how to do (play poker) with people I haven't seen in a long time (I was the worship leader at this church for 6 years...my hub and I were married there...)I'm putting myself in a situation where there will be food for easy grazing/soothing and I'm starting to shrink inside

I know I have to go
the only way I get through these things is to go through them

But I don't really wanna go (I'm not sure who is speaking there so I'm holding off on the editing)
I do have to work in the morning, and again tomorrow night
It has been a long week and my hub will be gone for a week starting on Sunday
Am I just making up excuses or are those valid reasons to politely excuse myself?

I'm not sure what to do about the food thing I'm thinking maybe I should eat
ahead of time then bring some safe stuff to munch? But I don't want to
mindlessly munch...
Weight watchers teaches you to eat something before you go to a party or an event where there will be food so you're full and not tempted to eat
Ahem...that just means I'll eat twice.
After lunch...I have 10.5 points left for the day/week and my week ends today

What if this really is something I'm not ready for yet
What if this isn't just JOAN keeping me from doing something fun but a situation I'm not strong enough for?
I've told my date...so he knows and he understands

I think I wanna get something 'safe' to drink...coz I'll just mindlessly drink if I don't let myself eat ...maybe some sparking water? I dunno?!?!?!

I haven't heard MY OWN voice enough to know what it sounds like
Just yesterday in therapy Tara and I discussed whether there was ever a time when I said NO
Do I ever remember standing up for myself...and I really can't...maybe when I was alone I'd say "I do SO know what I'm talking about" towards my mom or my sister but I never said it to JOAN...even my pinky toe agreed with her...even way back then

trying to plan
ugh...it's hard to let Babs win!

This has been an anxiety attack waiting to happen
If I screw up tonight, after this emotional week...and my hub is gone all week next week...i'm just TOTALLY setting myself up for failure. And while this may sound like something JOAN would say...the tears coming to my eyes are saying either way I need to pay attention

My hub and I just decided not to go, we're gonna have some us time tonight (since we have no kids tonight either)...I'll get my love language in extra doses to make it through to next weekend :)

I'm gonna tell our host the truth...I trust her enough to share this piece of me
That, and the more I'm honest about my reasons, the more I know it's me making the decisions
JOAN would lie
Babs does not

how many days has it been???
I need to keep looking up

Look Up

No, not up to the ceiling
just shift your eyes up a bit
see those numbers? right there below my "awesomeness"
That's how long it's been since I last used food to soothe