Am I different?

I started this journey in March of 2009. This journey of acceptance and self discovery as it relates to why I choose food as my drug.
I began therapy in April of that year and have found a therapist I gel with and have been working with since December.
But am I different?

I don't hear Joan as much anymore
Although I did picture her singing the lyric of the Violent Femmes song...she misses me. The feeling is not reciprocated.

I'm not any thinner in fact I might be heavier.
Not by much.
In fact, I'm about the same weight I was when I met my husband. He reminded me that he fell in love with me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean the physicality of this.
I believe this week I should focus on the WAYS in which I am better for having lived through this past year so that I can shrug off the 'heaviness' I feel in my skin.
This 'heaviness' could have me searching for Joan.

So
Why did I begin this journey in the first place
What was my intended outcome when I started
What is my intention now
Do I need to re-orient myself

I am not any thinner
Am I better in other ways?
Why does thinner have to equal better?
I don't necessarily BELIEVE that equation, but it is what my fingers typed and therefore should be pondered.

If losing SOME weight is part of my intention...why am I not losing any?

This past week in therapy we touched on my need to feel noticed
Not in a "look at me" sort of way but in an "i'm not invisible" sort of way
I wondered, in the past, if I eat in order to make myself larger so that you can't miss me
If that's the case, what is causing me to feel "invisible"

It's been a very long time since I've binged
For you regular readers...you'll notice the counter went away months ago
I'm not defined by my binges
I have had some drive through moments
Not 'drive through for 6' moments...which is an improvement (one way in which I am better)

I FEEL my body now
I feel the rolls in my stomach and the crease of my hips
These feelings are not comfortable
I'm not in search of physical vanity but I do not think comfort is a lofty goal
I wonder if somewhere inside me comfort is something I don't deserve
One of those "good things" that I'm not allowed to have

Okay...that's enough to wonder about today

Sing-A-Long

okay...you probably shouldn't sing-a-long because this isn't a very positive post
just an honest one
and I have Violent Femmes in my head...so if you know the tune, I apologize for the earworm

Today
I feel
Fat

Today
I feel
Really Fat

And cause I feel
Really
Really
Fat

Can't seem to get
My mind off'a that

Today
I feel
Fat

PTHHHH! (yes, I just envisioned Edith Ann in her big yellow rocking chair!)

Whoaaaaa Trigger

Roy Rogers and his horse Trigger

This week has been full of em...Triggers that is.
I started EMDR last week. I think it's going to be a good tool in my recovery. The first session was mostly work setting a base line and finding my most CORE issue...you know, the Grudge-y one.
Turns out my worst one, that clawing, freaky grey-colored skin with dark eyes and dark haired one is a sense of belonging.
I don't belong.
Just typing that makes it hard to breathe.
This trigger is definitely an 8 or 9 on the SUDS scale.

While we were talking, I also noticed the "I should've/shouldn't have done/said" something reference being a pretty strong trigger.
Last week I offered some unsolicited advice to a co-worker. I thought about it before hand, approached the person cautiously and asked permission prior...and was well received...
But I still had a hard time fighting the urge to binge.
Worse yet, at each milestone of beating the binge (read: each drive-through I did NOT go through), the ugly feeling became stronger and the thoughts of failure more ominous.
THAT was very frustrating
Beating my demons is supposed to be empowering dammit!
By the time I got home I felt so small...and I didn't even eat! *sigh*

Last night I challenged a grade I received on a writing assignment.
I felt my points were valid. I worded my challenge respectfully. I felt as though my questions deserved an answer.

But after I hit send (it was a response to an email), I felt doom and gloom.
"You should't have said that."
"You don't have the right to question authority"

I ate
I didn't binge
but I did treat myself to some graham crackers with pb and jelly that I wasn't really hungry for
so I soothed with food

This morning I woke up and felt like it COULD be a binge day.
I talked with my hub about it.
We shared similar stories.
It made me feel good to know he understands.

I got a response from my professor today.
We agree to disagree...
...but I did get a higher grade ;)

I'm glad I said something.
A friend of mine said,

"Wow, I'm proud of you for saying something. I would've just taken the lower grade then complained about the teacher."

This is true.
I am glad that I acted from my belief "better to ask and know then say nothing and always wonder."

I'm not sure how I feel about the end result.
Don't read that wrong...I'm very glad the outcome of my challenge was a re-evaluation of my grade.
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "challenging authority."
Those still loom.
I still don't know what to do with my feelings about "winning" the challenge.
Those loom even larger.

So I write them down...
I'll bring them to therapy...
I will not eat them.

But if I do, I'll at least understand why.

xxoo

How do those fit together?

Last night in group the good one asked what turned out to be a very poignant question, "You (meaning me) said you don't have to be everything to everyone, AND that you are accepting that you're enough just as you are. How do those fit together? Or do they?"

And the DIDN'T
Joan believes that I must be everything to everyone.
Babs used to believe that too.
Somewhere inside, sometimes, when I'm low on the Babsness scale...those thoughts creep in...
But more often than not these days, I spend more time trying to be ME than trying to be EVERYTHING. It's quite liberating :)

But she asked that question
How do those fit together?
And I felt it...literally clawing inside of me
crawling up and into my chest and hanging onto my clavicle bones for dear life
It was creepy
Like something out of the movie The Grudge (no I didn't see it but the trailer scarred me enough for a lifetime).

I have an individual session today
I imagine there will be some clawing.
I wore very comfy clothes and very little eye make up
Inhale....Exhale...Repeat

Good Monsters

Not all monsters are bad
but the ones who are good
never do what they could
never do what they could

I'm still reeling
No, I'm still catatonic
No, I'm catatonically reeling
from yesterday's therapy session

The layer of the onion that makes you cry?
Yeah, that's the one we haphazardly sliced into last night
and once you've made that cut, you just have to keep chopping until your done
or the recipe just doesn't turn out right.

Haphazard isn't the right word
That implies that we went there mistakenly and without care...
I wouldn't have intentionally gone there if I knew how scary it would be...

It
I don't know what 'it' is
It's scary
I'm scared that it's REALLY scary
It could just be 5 or 7 or 9 year old scary
which might not be that scary
but it still FEELS scary

It's a monster
It's a good monster

All the good monsters open their eyes,

To see the wasteland where the home fires rise,

And the people shouting why, why, why...

Do you know what you are?

Do you know what you are?

All of the giants wake from their sleep,

And roll outside of safety's keep,

And the pain makes them feel so alive

Do you know what you are?

Do you know what you are?

And we are bored of all the things we know

Do you know what you are?

Do you know what you are?

Not all monsters are bad, but the ones who are good

Never do what they could, never do what they could

All the good monsters rattle their chains,

And dance around the open flames,

And they make a lot of empty noise.

While all of the bright eyes turn away,

As if there wasn't anything to say,

About the justice and the mystery.

Do you know what you are?

Do you know what you are?

And we are bored of all the things we know

And we are forms of everything we love, we love.

If good won't show it's ugly face, 

Evil won't you take your place

Nothing ever changes,

Nothing ever changes... 

By itself.

Yeah....yeah...aaah

We are bored of all the things we know

Do you know what you are

'Cause we are, we are so in love with ourselves

And we are forms of all the things we love.

Raw

Not much more to say than that
I thought maybe letting my fingers fly might find something
Whatever was tapped into today in my individual session
is sorta deep
really visceral
and my Babs is doing all she can to disconnect
so...whatever it is ...it could be ugly
Thankfully...I don't have to do it alone
well, I have each of you...all you beautiful yous out there who share your love with me
and I have a great therapist
she helped me button things up today so I was in a safe place before leaving her office
and we'll pick up where we left off in a couple of weeks.

Shape and Size

photo credit

Lately, I haven't obsessed much over food
Joan hasn't spoken in weeks
I haven't really felt bad about my body image or my eating habits
I haven't used food to soothe

Recently, I very matter-of-factly, non judgmentally said "I like my shape, it's my size I'm not crazy about."
I do quite resemble this pear
I'm tiny up top and broad where a broad should be broad.

Years ago I got down to my lowest weight...for all of about a week...then I hovered at 'just low enough to be legal' for about 8 months. I was a leader for an international weight loss chain and had to maintain a certain weight to continue in my position.
When I started reaching out for help from my superiors...because it was getting hard, because I was restricting in unhealthy ways, because even though I practiced what I preached I could not keep my weight down...I got the cold shoulder and I left...and I gained....

That was years ago and a lifetime away from the mindset I have now.
I very matter-of-factly and non judgmentally like my shape and would like to work on my size.
I very honestly think losing 15 pounds would be a good place for me.
Now mind you...15 pounds from now has ALWAYS been "FAT" years ago and a lifetime away from the mindset I have now.

I'm rather proud of this feeling
DID YOU READ THAT?
I just said I was proud?!?!
I didn't even feel an insurmountable urge to backspace and delete it from the page
I felt proud of a feeling
OMG
what an accomplishment.

I think I'll take a cue from George Costanza and call it a day :)

xo

New, New, New

The blog has a new skin
the last one was nice but it was too prim and proper for me
too Joan

I like paper lanterns and it IS spring time and while I wait around for Blogger to let me upload MY OWN pic, I'll borrow this one :)

I've been wanting a new car lately
not New new...just new to me new
I think I've talked myself out of it because it's not a necessity

but just the same... I'm gonna go test drive ones I'm interested in

I like boxy cars so I'll try a Scion XB, a Honda Element, a Nissan Cube

but I'd really love to find one of these!

I still have dreams of a coolio VW Bus but for now I travel 60 miles round trip 5 days a week to work and just need something more economical. I'd LOVE to make it run on Veggie oil but being practical, it's gotta seat 5 JUST IN CASE the hub's truck isn't feelin it on a particular day.
So realistically, the Element and the mail truck are out...but a girl can dream.

I also experienced a new sensory trigger this weekend.
I'm interpreting a play at a local theater in the next month and went to preview the show yesterday.
I used to direct musical theater for kids and this particular playhouse is geared towards young actors. I also used to do a bit of acting myself so I expected to be excited about being there...
But this was different
And I've felt it before in other performances
and it was DEFINITELY a body feeling not a brain feeling because I STILL don't know how to explain it or WHY I feel it...this one is being bookmarked for Therapy!

I felt like crying
I did get teary
my chest ached...like a pining sort of feeling (or what I imagine pining to feel like)
anxious is not the right descriptive word but it's the only one I can think of
I wasn't being judgemental or thinking "I could do better" it wasn't that kind of feeling at all
I can't explain it and I don't know WHY
Maybe Ms Crawford's spirit really DID attach herself to me in 77 after she died and SHE is pining to be back on the stage....haunting

Well whatever it is I won't forget to mention it on Thursday
and...score one for me, I recognized a physical feeling and it's trigger
I might not understand the motivation...but it's progress

blah.blah.blah.blah.blah.blah.blah....

Joan started talking last night
I have noticed that my fingers only capitalize the first letter of her name so I'm going with that.
It would be a conscious decision and action to change it...and I'm not going that route!

I just started writing for an online info site
I'm excited about it because it's a step in the direction I want to take in the next chapter of my career
I spoke up a bit in group last night
And now all I can hear is...

photo credit

You know, no one wants to hear what you have to say...
You really should've just shut up last night...
What are you doing there anyway...

Sigh...I haven't heard her in a while
but she sat on the arm of the couch last night
she didn't say anything, but I knew she was there

Otherwise, I'm really feeling alright
I don't feel like soothing
I feel like I have my to-do list under control
I'm still proud of writing and I'm going to avoid having to write the biggest-best article in the world and submit something this weekend for publishing...

We're going out with friends tonight
This is a 'do-over' from a few months ago
I feel safe
Looking forward to it
Fretting because I don't know what my tween is doing
but that will all work itself out

You talk too much
You don't know everything
No one else cares

harumph :(

The next BIG thing

If you've read my 100 List or have followed my blog for any length of time, you'll know that one of my aspirations is to be a writer...a published writer.
Yes, I realize that technically everytime I "publish post" I am a published writer but that's not what I mean!

A few weeks ago I submitted a writing sample to Examiner.com.
A few days later I got this...

Dear Babetta,


Thanks for applying at Examiner.com! We have reviewed your information, and think you would make an excellent Orlando Liberal Christian Examiner (in our Religion & Spirituality channel).

It took my breath away to read!

Now I'm official and I published MY FIRST ARTICLE last night.
Writing it came easy and I swear when I hit the "publish" button, I squeeled and jumped out of my seat!
Hub looked at me with a raised eyebrow to which I exclaimed...

"I'm official! I just published my first on-line article!"

Okay now this one DOES feel fantastic
I told everyone I could think to share with RIGHT AWAY
I posted a link on Facebook, I sent emails and texts and messages
I guess I'm *gulp* PROUD of this one ;)

Nearest I can figure I feel really positive about this because it's another step in the direction I REALLY want to go with my life...
there's potential
there's hope
there's change

and I like hopey changey stuff
~grin~

Noticing a trend here...

After today's experience making my point with the credit card company and this month's episode with mom,
I'm seeing that for me, there is something to this speaking up stuff...speaking up.

I have this quote on a bumper sticker....LOVE IT!

That kinda ties in with my spiritual gifts theory seeing as I really didn't shut-up much when I was a kid.
I don't know when that changed...

I do know that these past two experiences have been calming. I can't find a better word than that.

This morning when I finished on the phone...I was a bit exhilarated but I felt resolution...I honored the piece of me that holds a strong belief in paying what I owe AND I spoke up about feeling wronged.

Just like with mom.

And in both cases

each time

at the exact moment the opposite party said, "You're right, I (we) did that..." I felt resolution.

I can hear my therapist now..."resolution isn't a 'feeling' word" how did that make you FEEL?"

Okay

I felt calm

I felt warm

I felt like the puzzle pieces fit together

maybe this is what validation FEELS like?

So now...

I just have to figure out why I tend to avoid this feeling like the plague!

xo

Incongruency...

Just the thought of something positive scares me
Okay that's not a completely true statement but I can't figure out exactly how to wrap words around this feeling.
The other day, when I ate it was because the prospect of something positive was unfolding in front of me.
In the past, when I've succumb to my worst binges they've always followed something "good" that I'd just done.
I used to think this had to do with my inability to be proud of myself.
After therapy last night, I'm starting to re-work this thought.

I've always considered myself a project-starter. (That's a nice way to say I don't finish stuff)
I've started college 5 times and I'm still a year away from my BA
I've had this podcast idea in my head since November
There pieces of crafts, sewing ideas, gardening articles, home decor projects and recipes lying in unmarked graves of my idea graveyard waiting for their Easter sunrise.

I'm fighting very hard to keep the college-start number at 5 but truth be told I've had to go kicking and screaming against the saboteur voices in my head. I'm terrified of graduating and want to be done already all in the same breath.
My heart swells with purpose when I talk about the ideas I want to incorporate in my podcast and teaching tour, just the words 'podcast' and 'road trip' make my entire body smile.
Sometimes it takes all my muster to get up and put a paint brush in my hand to finish projects around the house and i still have seeds waiting to seed...

When I think about actually finishing school, my insides shirk away from the surface. It's like they curl up in the smalest ball possible and leave me there a shell-of-a-babs.

Yesterday in my individual session we talked about the recent episode with my mother and how I processed it. All in all a good scenario because 1) I didn't eat, 2) I felt my feelings, 3) I expressed my feelings in a healthy way and 4) I got resolution.

From that we started talking through whatever episodes may have happened when I was younger that left this inability for me to trust what someone says. That I must've had several examples (or one doozy) where I heard one thing but tuned into another (because I tune in like that...its a mad-skill of mine).
That didn't resonate...
For some reason, while my therapist was talking I started to think maybe it wasn't hearing good things about myself that I didn't believe...but good things about life in general. (that's not quite what I meant but I can't find words for that right now).

For example...when I was young, my parents told me all their marital troubles were over.
I remember that day CLEARLY...I walked in the door, there stood mom and dad hugging and smiling and mom said, "Look, we're fine now no more worry."
I didn't believe that.
I was younger than 10 but older than 8.
My life was supposed to be "good" and "okay now" but it didn't feel that way

http://www.nataliedee.com/

incongruency

Stepping out on this great adventure of my future path to change the world
Good thing...will be fantastic...totally ready to DIVE in, ideas coming out of my eyeballs I'm so on fire about it. But I freeze at the edge and won't even put my toe in because
it's supposed to be good and life will be okay now
but I don't believe it will
so I get in my own way and I douse the flames
so it never has a chance to be good
congruency...

What was said to be good, was not good at all
I don't like 'good' so I avoid it at all costs
I protect myself from it
I get in my own way so as not to attain it

But...
I think my marriage is good, and I don't feel an aversion to it at all
We talked about that for a while too
My marriage is good because it works
and I mean it's work
We work at it
it's not perfect
we each have our own demons and we struggle dealing with what life throws us on any given day
and dang...we have two tweens and a teen so of course it's work!
But we laugh and we talk and we giggle and we share and we vent and we listen. We sigh and we snark and we comfort and we support...
Several times just this week alone I've been reminded not only of how much I love my hub, but how much I love our marriage because it('s) work(s).

I don't understand the disconnect there yet
Why I'm afraid to finish my degree but not afraid of my marriage
But we've at least opened something that sent reverberations out my toes.

I don't want to eat every time I do something or feel something is good because I won't fit into the RV at the end of my national tour! ~grin~

Verbal Vomit

I don't know why I started eating but I did notice I started
had some left over pork fried rice when I got home from work and a cheese stick
that wasn't too bad...logged it...all good
It's gonna be around 8 or so before dinner with all the household extracurriculars and I had a bowl of soup for lunch.
Then I got munchy
so I had 4 graham crackers with some home made strawberry jam
then I got out the peanut butter
then I ate the rest of the jam
yup
right out of the jar
now mind you, there was maybe 1/4 cup of jam left but really? right out of the frickin jar?
then I had some roasted peanuts
probably about a cup full in all
ugh
and you know what
my brain wanted more
I stopped because my daughter had to head off to tumbling
we got there and found out it was cancelled tonight which is a good thing because I really couldve been at risk for dropping her off and hitting the 7-11 for some fritos or some other gloriously awful binge type food
WHY?
I'm soothing
but WHAT?
It hasn't been a bad day...in fact, it's been an awesome day
I figured out a catchy brand for my podcast/blog and started brainstorming the episode schedule
I had lots of good laughs with my BFF
Works was good
I felt a little teary watching something funny on TV (I don't get that...tears at funny?)
I'm not premenstrual or menstrual...that was last week
so WHY?

JOAN is being oddly quiet

Since I'm just thinking out loud here I'm gonna run with the idea that maybe it's because I'm excited about my podcast/blog idea
I want to travel
I want to write
I want to teach/lecture/counsel
and I thought of a real deal brand/concept that encompasses everything I want to travel/write/teach/lecture/counsel about
I feel excited about it
I feel like it's something I can do and be good at
I feel like it could really make a difference in the world...or at least my little sphere of influence

But you'll never do it
you get these ideas and then they just sit there, on a shelf
who will hire you
how much will you charge
how will you ever make money at this
who will even listen to you
hell only 4 people read your blog

Ahhh...there she is
sigh

I stopped eating
I told my daughter
I told the blogosphere...all 4 of you
I restarted my counter
and I'm staying true to myself
Authentic
I am what I am and that's all I can be

If it's not one thing, it's my mother

I have to say something to my mother
I'm angry and I don't care that I'm angry
Mom says one thing to my face, and another to everyone else and I hate that. I've always hated that no matter who has done it.
This time she said something ABOUT my daughter
and my daughter knows that she did it
and I couldn't even look at her yesterday
gee I must be pissed because these short phrases are starting to get annoying but I can't seem to string together more words with any sense of coherence or grammatical structure (never mind correctness which probably isn't even a word)

BIG BREATH IN
BIG BREATH OUT

Last night was the first twinge I got that JOAN really could be my mother in disguise
Last night was the first time ever that I explained to my sister (from whom I'm sorta estranged) that I am in individual and group therapy for an eating disorder
Mom didn't really say anything...but she pooh-poohed the whole notion with everything but her words
My sister got it, was very surprised to hear...but she got it and hugged me for being so brave to go through it and work on it.

I feel yucky inside
Like I want her to just go away
very much how I feel about JOAN

Mom, you need to know that Bm was quite upset to hear that you lied to her about whether or not you liked her hair. You see, she doesn't care whether you like it or not, she likes it. She understands that not everyone 'gets' her fashion sense or style. What she doesn't understand is why her own grandmother would lie to her about how beautiful she was with her new 'do. Or why she had to hear from a man she'd never met before that her grandmother really doesn't like it and has been talking about it. Don't you see that now she won't believe you when you tell her she's beautiful

photo credit

Don't you know this is why I don't feel special
I'm not a smart cookie and I'm not "so special"
You said these things to me over and over again to make me believe them
but somehow early on I knew they weren't true
I still don't think they're true
I can never be smart enough and I can't be proud of myself without sabotaging my very being and happiness in the same breath.

You are not allowed to tell me what a great mother you think I am and the berate my kids behind my back
You are not allowed to tell me what a wonderful man I married and then tell others you don't think our marriage will last
Please do not say how beautiful you think my home is
Do not tell me you think I look thin
Do not compliment my eyes and search for hugs and kisses
I do not know you
I do not know what is true
Do not feign that you care about my father as you inquire about his well being
Do not
Do not
Do not

My body cringed and went numb when you sought hugs yesterday
My mind fought to focus hard on the newest addition to our family yesterday and strained to avoid your gaze
I did not want to be around you
I did not want to talk to you
I wanted to tell you off
I think I just might

I usually feel better after I blog
today I do not
this is yucky
:-(

That's so stupid...

***Warning, photos in this post may be disturbing to some***

I was hit with a wall of emotions this morning.
I'm finishing up my BA in Social Services (psych and soc) and there is a required lab component to my Biology class. The lab consists of dissecting a fetal pig.
About a week or two ago I realized I might have a problem with that...not because it's gross, or I don't like to get my fingers dirty...but a real problem...philosophically.
My BFF asked why I didn't try the 'conscientious objector' route...so I did.
I would be given an alternate assignment on the day of lab.

I thought this was a fair trade. I was willing to just take the hit to my grade for not completing the lab component (thus saving my Saturday), but that was not an option presented (even though I offered) so I was in a HS Biology lab room at 9:00 this morning.
It smelled like I remember HS Biology smelling.

photo credit*

I made eye contact with the professor, he acknowledged that he knew I would be completing an alternate assignment and I took a seat.




They were packaged in vacuum seal bags.
The baby pigs.
That or sloshing around in a formaldehyde solution in a 5 gallon bucket.
I started to feel a bit anxious.

photo credit

The professor placed one pig per dissection tray around the room and classmates started joking nervously (to quell their own discomfort I'm sure) about which were boys, which were girls and whether or not they squealed when they died.
At that point, I had to leave because I just couldn't breathe.


I went for a walk down the hall, found a bathroom and let out a good sigh and several tears.
That's when JOAN started. Who knew she had opinions about this too?

You know you're just being silly about this...

This is just so stupid...

They're all laughing at you, you know...

This is nothing to cry over and you are overreacting...

How could you feel this way if you didn't even know it bothered you until last week, I mean really?!

Just suck it up.

I wanted to leave.
I wanted to pack up my book bag, politely excuse myself, get in my car and cry all the way home.
I felt like I had swallowed my heart and it was stuck in my throat and my stomach was just churning.

As groups were assigned lab tables, my tears leaked a little and my voice cracked, a classmate suggested I go  wait in the hall for the professor to give me my assignment and she followed me out not long after.
She asked if she could give me a hug (I'm not usually the 'huggy' type with strangers) and as she put her arms around me I cried.

I feel like I'm being stupid
You're not being stupid this is how you feel
I'm in recovery from a life long eating disorder and I'm only just starting to 'feel' feelings.
Well no wonder this is so overwhelming

And the conversation went on from there
Turns out this classmate is recovering from some demons of her own past and although I might've liked it better if the Universe didn't decide to bring us together for our catharsis over pigs...I can at least find some understanding of why I was where I was at the time I was there...sigh

I got over the "I have to get out of here NOW" feeling, went into an adjacent classroom and waited for my alternate assignment. I looked at slides

paramecium photo credit

Amoeba photo credit

photo credit

Spirogyra was my favorite...and they were a pretty good band too


I drew pictures of what I saw, dialogued with the prof about what I wanna be when I grow up and made it through the entirety of lab (he ended 5 hours early...Hallelujah!)

No one thought I was stupid
A few different people poked their head in to make sure I was okay throughout the morning and after all the pigs were out of sight, I joined the class again for our lab wrap up.

I feel emotionally sore
You know...after you work out you feel it start to settle into your muscles a few hours later
That emotional surge is settling in
It's still a bit unsettling but...

I didn't listen to JOAN, I stuck to my guns and honored my feelings
I was honest about what I was feeling
I told someone (a stranger!) about my eating disorder and didn't feel shame
and I didn't eat...which I might have if I actually left when I wanted to.

There's success in there somewhere
someday I'll recognize what that feels like
but for now I'll just hit 'publish post.'
*Carolina's preserved pigs were not raised for the purpose of dissection; they are a byproduct of the pork industry. Most of the pigs were stillborn and would be discarded were they not reutilized for educational purposes.

"You should be so PROUD of yourself!"

I know people mean well when they say this to me.
I mean, if someone wanted to hurt my feelings, why on earth would they encourage me to feel good about myself?
But this seemingly harmless string of seven words hits me like i imagine vertigo would feel. The simple removal of ONE word and I'd stand on my own two feet with no issues...but that "P" word...gets me every time.

Number-one-son said it to me yesterday.
Now when number-one-son pays a compliment...I TAKE IT (anyone who lives with or who has lived with a soon-to-be-fifteen year-old boy knows what I'm talking about).
I had just recounted to the hub how I went 'shopping in the closet' that afternoon and found 4 or 5 pairs of pants that can move to the 'wear them now' rack and two more that 'aren't that far away.'

• N-O-S: "Do you think that's because you've been running?"
• Me: "Yeah, some, and because I haven't abused food in a long time, and I've been sticking to a food plan for a few months..."
• N-O-S: "That's cool, you should be proud of yourself"
• Me: ...well I didn't say anything, I felt that twilight-zone swirly thing in front of my face and went back to doing what I was doing...

Later on that night I was part of a team interpreting for Aretha Franklin (yeah, my job can be uber-cool sometimes) and there were lots of 'atta girl - atta boy' type comments flying around.

I should have been proud of myself...I knocked some lyrical concepts OUT.OF.THE.PARK...but I tend to sweep the praise under the rug (then walk on it for extra good measure) so it was hard for me to hear.

I need to work on this one.

But in other news...

I am excited about the successful shopping trip (in my closet).

Earlier this week a pair of shorts traveled up and over my hips nicely and I'm glad to have the alternate form of measure as I really feel JOAN needs to pack the scale when she leaves and take it with her.

I have some homework from therapy...I'll save that for a separate post so I can chew on all the particulars...but something struck me today that could turn into a good metaphor for me...

We don't live in the fanciest of houses

We intentionally bought an older cottage-type house because it had a YARD and lots of character (read: needs some work). Now if Ty Pennington WANTS to come over and re-do our house, I'd sure let him...but my remodel projects usually sit at the couple hundred dollar mark...not the tens-of-thousands dollar mark.

If you were to come and 'inspect' my work...you'd find glitches and imperfections but I'm okay with that.

Like THIS project I did a couple of years ago. See...BIG difference from before to after. 

Honestly, our kitchen cabinets need to just come down and the floor needs to be replaced but I couldn't do that in a week...what I could do is give it a face lift...and I did, under the mantra "They're not my forever cabinets, they're my for now cabinets." I didn't do it perfectly but it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!

Just like this past Friday when I started the living room make-over with a coat of paint in the hallway.

If you look closely...you can see the imperfections in the wall, and the wiggles in my cut-in line...but the difference in the room is inspiring. It's not my forever house, it's my for now house and painting it made me love it in a new way. I didn't do it perfectly, but it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!

While I was washing the dishes this morning, with my face in close proximity to the cabinets, I noticed some of the short-cuts I took when painting them. JOAN tried to start talking but BABS jumped in there and said, "They're not my forever cabinets, they're my for now cabinets and they're leaps and bounds better than they were before and that's perfect-enough for me"

ugh how I hated that grape wallpaper "backsplash"

Yeah, that's right.

It makes me happier to come into this kitchen than it did to look at the GRAPES OF WRATH kitchen. 

It makes me happier to look at the new blue shutters on the house than it did to look at the dingy white ones

It makes my smile go "BAM" to walk out my bedroom door and see a richly colored wall each morning now that the hallway is painted...and those things are all PERFECT in their own way.

So...Babs, why not apply that same logic to your body. "It's not my forever body, it's my for now body and it's leaps and bounds better than it was before!"

Who are you kidding? you used to wear a size FOUR!

Yeah, I still have some JOAN issues

But I like this new metaphor, I think I could be proud of this one...

It's not my forever body, it's my for now body...it's a work in progress and I'm working on it!

another thing on my list....check

Last night I earned the right to highlight something on my list (I'm not crossing out...that would be JOAN speak and this stuff is ALL BABS)

We've had deliciously colored paint for the living room and hallways for about 8 months now. The pictures don't quite do it justice but the name of the color is Tibetan Orange, our contrast color will be Red Pepper...I can't WAIT until it's done, it'll be like being wrapped in the Dalai Lama's robes! (looking at this picture, I'll have to get some lighter orange accents, maybe pillows or picture frames...)
Friday, I found myself with the boys out of the house and the mini-me at a Girl Scout lock in...
What to do, what to do?
Since Bm had to be dropped off at 8:45pm, it would be too late for a massage or yoga class or a touch up to my  pedicure...maybe a movie? maybe a trip to the book store?

I'LL PAINT THE HALLWAY.
As soon as I said it (okay I typed it, in an IM to my BFF while at work...we do that often), I KNEW it was the right thing to do because my heart got excited.
Now...if you're a faithful reader, you'll know that my head and heart rarely agree and when they do I'm not often aware of it...so this was a BIG DEAL (If you're not a faithful reader...start reading dangit! This is good stuff!)

I didn't get both hallways done...I didn't think I would but I DID start with the one that leads to OUR bedroom...so I can smile and admire my handiwork each day to and from bed :)
And it was WORK let me tell you!
When I awoke this morning, there was no mistaking my arms were in a position above shoulder level for an extended period of time yesterday...but it's all good!

The hub and I hit the big box store for some additional supplies and we're gonna work on the rest of the room (hallway, living room) together tomorrow.
We might not get it done...but we've got it going!

This Princess and the frog...

Saturday March 6th I participated in my first 5K.
It was the Princess and the Frog Royal Family 5K at Disney World.

My adventure started Friday at the race expo when I picked up my race number and goody bag.
I felt VERY weird at the expo. Part of me just wanted to grab my number and head back out to my car but I MADE myself walk through the vendors and displays. JOAN kept saying "You don't belong here"  so I just kept walking.
There wasn't much there that I was interested in purchasing...most of the merchandise was geared toward the half marathon runners but I still peeked at every booth.

I DID find a cool decal that was rather validating in the sea of runners... but I couldn't bring myself to charge $2.00 so I'll just have to look for it locally in one of the sports shops.

When I got home I got focused and worked on my t-shirt. The front turned out even better than I thought it would...but when I went to add the 'tag line' to the back, I didn't separate the layers of the shirt and part of the front transfer wound up on the ironing board...sigh. It bummed me out for about 90 seconds. Then I decided I wasn't happy with the type of T-shirt I got anyway and would much rather have a ringer tee. So, now that I know the transfer will work the way I want it to...and the potential pit falls, I'll be ready to make it when I find the perfect shirt.

Race Day we awoke at 5am
Me, hubs and the two mini-est me's.
Due to the aforementioned t-shirt debacle, I wore the race shirt provided in my goody bag...it was all good anyway...my bib number would've covered up my custom shirt ~smile~
With my tiara resting nicely in between my pigtails, I was ready to go.
Breakfast of a larabar, banana, small cottage cheese and some water and we were on our way.

I was anxious the whole drive.
Really, if I'd have driven myself...I never would've made it there...I TOTALLY would've turned around and gone home.
The kids and hub were excited for me...I didn't know what I was
'feeling' was such a foreign concept so I totally moved on brain power...one foot in front of the other.

We got to the race location around 6:15am and made our way to the spectator area/start line. I felt tears well up more than once and had to bury my head in my hub's shoulders a couple of times to keep from leaking. If I hadn't, if I had just let the tears flow...I know there was a panic attack waiting to happen.
I wasn't scared
I just didn't 'feel' right.
I just didn't 'feel.

6:50am and it's time to line up. I made my way towards the back of the crowd near the sign clearly marked "WALKERS." There were a TON of people...easily at least 1000 in all. All shapes, sizes, ages and costumes...yes costumes. Lots of princesses, even a dad in a tutu running with his little snow white princess daughter. "You have the most beautiful tiara here!" someone next to me pointed out as she tugged her race buddy to see. "Thanks" (shy grin).

The pre-race music at least got me bouncing and got my mind off of my lack of feeling. We all hummed along to the national anthem and then...the countdown 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5....4...3...2...1!

It took a few more minutes for us to begin to move...the race had a series of starts according to speed so I finally crossed the start line on my way around 7:05am.

The first half mile consisted of lots of dodging...some folks walking slowly, some with strollers, others trying to jog around the cones...I even ran a bit here and there. The first water station was at the 1.5 mile mark and I was feeling good and starting to feel as though I'd finish in time...mostly because there were a BUNCH of people behind me.

Around the 2 mile mark I figured I was maintaining a pace around a 15-min mile and also realized I was running past some pretty cool architecture (the course took us through Epcot) and I made a mental (actually I think I said it out loud) note to pay attention to the things around me.

I alternated walking and jogging throughout the whole course without beating myself up too much...I'd give myself an end-point once I started to run and I kept my breathing even...taking note of how comfortable my hip felt and any twinge that might appear in my shins...not too shabby.

The second water station was at the 2.5 mile mark and I noticed I was smiling as I thought about the finish line. A fellow runner caught up with me to apologize for staring at my leg but she was just dying to see my leg sleeve and ask what it was and figured it better to just come ask rather than get distracted and take out a bunch of fellow racers if she tripped! That made me giggle and we chit chatted about tattoos, whether or not they hurt, how many I have ...yada yada...which took me to "Right around this building and you'll SEE the finish line."

It was time to run out the last leg of the race.
Once I rounded the corner I started to jog and it wasn't long before I saw the finish line...I wanted to cut back down to a walk but I was so close I just kept going and pushed it those last 50 yards. I was looking for my fam but the sun was positioned in just a way that the glare made that impossible.

I finished in 44 minutes.

I still didn't know how to feel.
I just finished...a smiling woman at the end of the track handed me my completion medal (it's a rubber design on the end of a lanyard) and I moved through the water/Gatorade lines returning to a normal breathing pattern and scanning the crowd for my family.

There they all were...smiling and proud
"How do you Feel?"
I really didn't know
"I don't feel anything yet"
"Aren't you Proud?!"
"Yeah, I'll get there...this is new for me"

My fam is so cool
they get it
they know

The physical part...wasn't hard for me...I actually really love running and want to do more of it
Every other part...was VERY hard for me
I still don't quite know I how I feel
I don't have any 'connection' to it
to my medal
or my t-shirt
or my number

But I'll get there.
I'm going to frame my number and medal.
My t-shirt will eventually wind up in my memory quilt.

For now I'm re-reading all the "I'm so proud of you" text messages I got
and letting them soak in.

I treated myself to a manicure and pedicure after race so now I have pretty toes :)

And today...I finally painted the shutters outside. I say finally because I bought the paint for them at LEAST a year ago more like two...it was a 'reward' probably for some weight loss or something weight related...but I never gave myself the reward. Today I did...and I LOVE the result :)

Thanks to everyone who sent me well wishes and shared their 'proud' with me.
xo

Babs

the run down

I have been counting points since January 15th 2010
I have stayed on plan since that day
I have not soothed with food since January 10th 2010
I have thought about it
I have not stepped on a scale since January 25th 2010
I do not plan to (of my own accord) until January 25th 2011
I have thought about it

I have clothes that are fitting more comfortably
I look at and appreciate my body daily
I answer JOAN back, out loud, on a regular basis

I am still in therapy
I am finding my Babsness (again)
I am feeling the need for a personal day...and have scheduled several over the next few months
I am excited about healing
I can feel it happen, bit by bit, every day

...so I don't eat

I'm going to go to bed soon...so I don't eat

but I write so I don't eat...so I'll do some of that first
I guess there are a lot of reasons why I might WANT to eat
my hub is snowboarding
i'm premenstrual
the condition of my house is bugging me (probably because i'm premenstrual and my hub is snowboarding)
i submitted a presenter application for 3 workshops at an upcoming weekend conference
ACK

I didn't really have any problems typing up my application and tweaking my resume (although I do need a presenter's resume...not an job hunt resume...maybe after I can add these 3 to my list of accomplishments I'll do that...)
I made a plan with my bff and gave myself a deadline of tonight.
She very kindly reminded me that today was Wednesday...submission d-day
and I knew when the sun went down, the laptop opened.

I did it
I even posted a FB status about it
and somewhere inside I'm nervous about it
so I'm thinking about the rice crackers I have in the pantry
of course I tell myself I'm not thinking about the boxful...just a few
but I'm telling myself OUT LOUD that I'm not having any and just going to bed
because even if it didn't turn into a binge or an indulgence...it would be a food soothe because I'm really not needing/wanting food for nourishment
so I just need to sleep
but that's hard
because the hub is snowboarding
sigh

So instead, I'll think about presenting this June
Two theatrical interpreting workshops and a yoga workshop for interpreters
Sharing what I've learned and put into practice, sharing what works for me, learning what works for others and networking

Yeah...networking
although I don't know that I want to go on the interpreting workshop circuit
I do know that I want to be teaching/presenting/mentoring in some capacity (actually...more about authenticity and finding self) Isn't that ironic. So this foray into the presenting world in more than just my backyard is a good step for me.

I don't need to eat something because I'm proud of an accomplishment. You haven't accomplished anything yet.  There is the potential for a binge here...but thankfully, I have enough people who 'know' that I can turn to that I think I can keep the counter rolling.

I also promise to be cognizant of any other sabotaging behavior
I have a biology test next Tuesday to study for
I have a concert coming up in a couple of weeks to prep for
I have a garden I'd like to work on this week
oh yes, and there is my 5K week after next

all of these are things I might 'passively kill' in order to avoid the accomplishment
but now you know about them
I don't have to do any of them perfectly...but I will do all of them.

photo credit