The End of an Era

It's been nearly 2 months since my last post.
Ha, I type that and feel like I'm in a Bloggers Anonymous meeting.

Today I honor myself by typing the final post.

I do believe I've come to a comfortable conclusion to this chapter in life.
I will continue to live, compose and illustrate but the overarching theme of life is no longer my compulsion to eat, my feelings of worthlessness or joan. Yes Lou Lou, she has made it entirely into lower case (even though I desperately want to capitalize the J to be grammatically correct), she's not even in the foot notes of life anymore which, if you look back, is a major accomplishment.

My therapy has stopped for now, and perhaps on this topic, forever.
My need to blog has ceased.
My disdain for my body is gone and is in fact replaced with an inexplicable love for my body
I am enjoying eating to heal my body and although it isn't a goal, have actually shed some pounds. More importantly, I've become healthier and my shape a bit more sultry which I can only attribute to eating the way my body was meant to in the first place.
My hair is healthier and LONG and yeah I could go on and on...basically I'm quite happy.

I haven't felt that clawing, gnawing feeling since my trip to Austin.
Lots of wonderful things happened on that trip that I won't go into here.
If you're interested, drop me a line and I'll share personally.

This blog has been an amazing tool in my recovery.
All the folks I've met along the way, the opportunity to just "blap" my thoughts on virtual paper and get them out of my head where I could sort through them...all absolutely vital to who I am now.

I think I'll book it...you know those sites where you can print your blog as a book...I think bears saving.

So this is the end, the final post.
I'm on to new things...keep your eyes on my website http://www.liveinauthenticity.com/ for the next chapter in my life and stay in touch!

A child like view

The note on my desk all week read
"I am very certain I will honor myself through yoga on Thursday, September 2nd."

As I rested back in child's pose I remembered what it is I love so much about a regular practice.
Its me and my mat.
It's time spent with my favorite person, me.
I'd forgotten how much I like to spend time with myself.
Forgotten how much I love honoring my body in this very way.


The certainty of my affirmation could have been destroyed all too easily.
I came home early yesterday not feeling at all well and had the opportunity to make up the hours today. Today, the day I had planned to honor myself with yoga.
I toyed with the idea for barely a second and tossed it out with a "That's why I have sick hours."

I love the smell of patchouli swirling from the heat of my skin created as I move through each asana
I love the feel of my hands and feet firmly pressed into the mat
I love the dampness of my shirt and the sound of my ujjayi breath.
I love acting in certainty :)

NEED TO LOSE...

These words greeted me as I walked into the office today
Bright Green letters seemingly pulsating on a stark White Board
NEED TO LOSE.... Start Date 8/29/10
Followed by names and numbers

My first reaction was
UGH
NEED to lose?
NEED?
UGH

So I've decided, I NEED to lose the perception that a number will make me happy, better, prettier, insert word of personal preference here ____________.

Then I marched right into my manager's office and said...
"I just gotta say it so it's out there and I can move on...I don't like that new white board and I find it insensitive to those of us around here ..." she knew where I was going and agreed.

So Instead...we're working on a personal goals wall personal, professional, educational whatever...
If your personal goal is to lose 20 lbs awesome...my personal goal is to get back into a  regular yoga practice

• My first step on that journey is to ...do the yoga routine I DL'd to my iPod. I will do this on Thursday as I am off early and have the afternoon to Babs.
• The second step will be to take a class at a local studio
• The third step will be to evaluate whether or not I want a regular home practice or a monthly pass to a local studio

So let it be written...
So let it be done :)

SO MY QUESTION TO YOU TODAY (yes, I'm expecting answers)...

WHAT DO YOU "NEED" TO LOSE?

Yesterday

Yesterday, someone called and asked me for a ride
This doesn't seem like much but it's one of the girls on my cheer squad and she didn't call anyone else, she asked me for help...she knew I'd give it.

Yesterday, someone was persistent in picking my brain for ways to stretch specific muscles.

She knows I'm a trained yoga instructor and is struggling with some particular points she just can't reach.

It took me a moment to realize that she was ASKING for my expertise and when I did, and gave her my full attention, she got what she needed.

Yesterday, someone asked how to handle a particularly sticky situation
She knows that I have "a way with words" (as she put it) and wants to know how to use them too.
She recognized my gift and asked that I share it with her. I did.

Other people see in me the things that I am trying to be
I need to stop and see what they see.

Reframe the Mirror

Yesterday I complained about looking 'frumpy' in the mirror...even in my dreams...but not necessarily thinking it was a "bad" thing. Back when I was what society would call "thin" I looked at myself and still saw fat. Now, I'm what society might call "fat," but not necessarily unhappy with what I see in the mirror (most days).

Then a soul sista solicited words of wisdom because SHE was feeling confused about what she sees in the mirror too (must be something in the air).

Without even taking a breath to pause and think...I answered her back with this:

Who decides you look bad?
Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no! You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams! You are vibrationally in synch with (insert your name here), the (insert your accomplishment here). You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo. OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE!

You are taking action

You are honoring your true self

You are pulling her to the surface

And when you see her, she is beautiful

When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!

Well it was so profound I decided I needed to hear it too...
And I'm guessing someone out there might too!

Who decides you look bad?

Of course you don't think you look bad when you look at yourself no!
You are seeing the embodiment of the manifestation of your dreams!
You are vibrationally in synch with Babs, the sought after writer, teacher, and healer. You have begun believing yourself in ways that make those around you quicken their pace to catch some of that mojo.
OF COURSE YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE!

You are taking action

You are honoring your true self

You are pulling her to the surface

And when you see her, she is beautiful

When you see her as beautiful...well, you know the rest!

Remembering the Journey

I've spent part of my morning reading my blog. I started all the way back at my very first post.
It didn't take me long to realize the intention of this journey is more than just a smaller size.
Losing weight IS a component, but it is not the end all be all.

I asked my hub if he could come up with anything for me this week...just ways in which I have changed, if any, as a result of my journey. He listed a bunch right off the bat...most of them dealing with my strength. My willinginess to stand up for myself in different situations and how MY strength has inspired HIM to be stronger. He says I need to remember the positive effect I have on everyone around me. He also reminded me that it's okay to feel uncomfortable in my body and to want to change it. It's not ALL I want.
He's also glad that Joan isn't around as much, if at all, anymore. He got sorta tired of how much she controlled my every thought...ME TOO...she was overbearing to the NTH degree so I'm glad she's taken up residence outside of earshot.

In my cubicle at work I have the collage that I made.
It's filled with images and statements that reflect what I want(ed) to have or be doing.
Now when I look at it...I DO have or AM doing everything on that poster.
I AM making progress and I've even started collecting clippings for a new poster.

In January I wrote this

List of Changes...not necessarily 2010

• Physical/Health - strong, healthy, realistic shape, managing my gluten intolerance without burden
• Mental Emotional - Say No To JOAN!
• Educational/Academic - finish Bachelors, pursue Masters
• Relationships - honest, open, growing, working, improving, always grounded in love, intentionally pursuing friendships
• Spiritual - deeper, closer, and more transparent
• Professional - blogger, podcaster, teacher, speaker, traveler, healer
• Home - painted, garden, simple, green, co-op

I'm definitely making progress on each point
"Realistic Shape" stands out to me under the first bullet point, not because I equate it with weight loss but because my vision of "realistic" has changed this past year.

A few weeks ago in group we had to visualize what life looks like as "happy."
Who is there, what does it look like, what are you doing, etc...
Then we had to turn and look in a full length mirror
I looked EXACTLY like I do now

At first I was frustrated by that
I saw myself as frumpy
but I had JUST seen myself doing great things with great people
having a great time
feeling ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL
doing things I NEVER thought imaginable in this body (which is really sorta silly)

So the body doesn't bar me from being happy
And Thinner isn't Better
It's okay to want to be a bit more comfortable

Not bad for a Monday
I need to start working on my next collage

Next step...reorient to my intention:
This time, I'm not going to be afraid to include some physical milestones
I think I was so afraid to include them before because to be on a "diet" is a bad thing.
To not be happy in my body is a "bad" thing.
To want to change my body is a "bad" thing.

No it's not...not necessarily
It can be...when it's all I think about or all that motivates me it's in danger of becoming a famous leading lady loved by campy drag queens everywhere.

Otherwise...it's just another aspect to my wholeness
my holistic journey to Babsness

Am I different?

I started this journey in March of 2009. This journey of acceptance and self discovery as it relates to why I choose food as my drug.
I began therapy in April of that year and have found a therapist I gel with and have been working with since December.
But am I different?

I don't hear Joan as much anymore
Although I did picture her singing the lyric of the Violent Femmes song...she misses me. The feeling is not reciprocated.

I'm not any thinner in fact I might be heavier.
Not by much.
In fact, I'm about the same weight I was when I met my husband. He reminded me that he fell in love with me.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean the physicality of this.
I believe this week I should focus on the WAYS in which I am better for having lived through this past year so that I can shrug off the 'heaviness' I feel in my skin.
This 'heaviness' could have me searching for Joan.

So
Why did I begin this journey in the first place
What was my intended outcome when I started
What is my intention now
Do I need to re-orient myself

I am not any thinner
Am I better in other ways?
Why does thinner have to equal better?
I don't necessarily BELIEVE that equation, but it is what my fingers typed and therefore should be pondered.

If losing SOME weight is part of my intention...why am I not losing any?

This past week in therapy we touched on my need to feel noticed
Not in a "look at me" sort of way but in an "i'm not invisible" sort of way
I wondered, in the past, if I eat in order to make myself larger so that you can't miss me
If that's the case, what is causing me to feel "invisible"

It's been a very long time since I've binged
For you regular readers...you'll notice the counter went away months ago
I'm not defined by my binges
I have had some drive through moments
Not 'drive through for 6' moments...which is an improvement (one way in which I am better)

I FEEL my body now
I feel the rolls in my stomach and the crease of my hips
These feelings are not comfortable
I'm not in search of physical vanity but I do not think comfort is a lofty goal
I wonder if somewhere inside me comfort is something I don't deserve
One of those "good things" that I'm not allowed to have

Okay...that's enough to wonder about today