Conversations with me

Walking through Target today

me: I really want a candy bar

Me: No I don't, I packed my lunch AND snacks today because I knew I'd be on the road and I just finished some grilled chicken with mushrooms and some pineapple chunks...so why, no wait...what makes you think you want a candy bar?

me: I guess I'm a bit frustrated

Me: About the conversation you had with E today?

me: Yeah, E didn't agree with me and kept having to make his point

Me: Do you always have to be right?

me: No, but the way he kept emphasizing his point made me feel like what I had to say wasn't important.

Me: And that made you feel unimportant?

me: Yeah, and made me question myself

Me: So what will eating food do to make you feel important?

me: Food doesn't talk back.

Me: hrmmm

I didn't buy the candy bar...I went to Target for a wii fit and vacuum cleaner bags, so that's what I got. I logically told Myself that I wasn't really hungry as I have fed myself wonderful food today and have had plenty of water.

When I got home, I got straight to work on painting lilb's room and forgot all about the idea of eating.

The hub and lil one went to quiznos...I got a salad...i used the dressing, but none of the other added stuff and it was tasty :)

Back to painting before I get too comfortable in my chair :)

Then tonight I'll treat myself to sweet apple chamomile tea

Cleaning up

Okay

it's not a diet

if one of the benefits is weight loss, I'll take it

but the hub and I started the 6 week body make-over months ago

I loved it, he hated it. I loved how I felt when I followed the program

I loved how I found myself eating to sustain my body rather than to obtain a feeling

I stopped because he stopped (I'm sure there are other reasons there but that's the one I chose when I stopped...)

This sounds weird but when eating wasn't as "enjoyable" I didn't turn to it for fulfillment. It's not that the food is bad...it's not (hub just isn't used to the way real food tastes) it's just not laden with all the added stuff like oil, salt, sugar, etc.

Yes, I noticed a difference in my size when we started the program before...but more importantly I felt so very good. My poop was FINALLY normal (yes, I said poop, it's been a chronic symptom of mine that no one could figure out the root cause of... I've had funky textured poop for a few years now...they just tell me that's my normal poop...um, hello!!! NO!) Enough of the poop talk (heck this is MY blog right? and it IS one of my weiredest symptoms)

My energy was GREAT, my hunger was NIL, my cravings were gone. So...I'm following again, along with some mindfulness about how to eat for my dominant element.

My intention for this week is to let the 36 year old intelligently feed herself, so the 11 year old can begin to make herself heard. Heck...if both of myselves are stuffing food in order to feel good, I'll never get resolution. So my 36 year old that understands, is focused on eating to live, (cliche, yes I know) so she can nurture and teach the 11 year old there are other ways to feel love, support and validation.

Finding my inner "her"

Well, I like her...she who is younger than me

We had a really great session today

touched on some things that were really touchy...obviously so because there were some things I couldn't say out loud yet.

So...we're onto something here

I feel her...she's about 11 or 12

all I know how to do is feed her

so it's time to start exploring more of what she wants and needs

she's lonely and doesn't feel like she measures up

worthy and deserving are 2 words that came up more than a few times in today's session and I've known for a while they are important concepts

I'm interested to see what's next

I feel skinny

Skinny is a feeling. I know this because today I FEEL skinny. I'm not any skinnier than I was last week but I FEEL that way.
When I feel that way I walk taller, smile more, and am more productive. Guess I need to tap into the source of that feeling.

Wednesday Cont'd

I bought it

I ate some

I destroyed the rest

I'm tired

my lunch was disturbed by an interview that was scheduled but not on our calendar

i had just enough time to heat it up and the phone rang

sigh

I actually ate it after the interview (1.5 hrs later) but I guess it hadn't settled before I was headed past the commissary and the numb candy was in the bag and on the scale

I even said no

I even said just keep walking to the car

But then I said my feet hurt (had to stand in heels during the interview because there wasn't enough space for me to have a chair and be in good position for each consumer) and my car was out in BFE so some sort of "you deserve this" mentality took over

i deserve it

yeah right, 

right now i'm tiiiiiiiirrrrrreeeeedddd, have at least 3 hours of class that was supposed to start 25 minutes ago, and my stomach isn't very happy

worst of all...my tongue isn't satisfied

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wednesday

I am not buying numb candy to eat on the way to school today!

Today I am going to...

Color my hair (done)

Balance my checkbook

Clean the Floors

Paint the breakfast nook (done)

I will feed myself healthy food (done)

I will write productively today (done)

I will hug my kids today (done)

I will pray for my hub today (done)

I will be proud of myself today (done)

oh yeah (post edit) I will start with Yoga (done)

:)

post-post edit...

I also finished the spreadsheet for worship

and even if I don't finish everything else ...

always bite off more than you can chew...that way you know you ate all you could

okay, maybe not the best metaphor for a binge eater...but I'm still proud of all I've accomplished today :)