What was the catalyst for my success before
35 pounds ago
One of these things is not like the other
ah yes...
Mother
she lived in another state
I often chuckled that God moved her away at just the right time
6 months before Louis proposed
and she moved back about a year after the wedding
so I only had "mom taking over the wedding" issues for a day or two
Counseling session was good
I realized I'm "scared" to find out what lies under the next layer
back when I was "repatterned" I had to "tell" my mom I felt helpless
Tonight in session we tried to uncover what "helpless" meant
I just remember feeling like it was a scared helpless
like I couldn't do something
like someone was keeping me from doing something
or something like that
not a weak helpless, a scared helpless
I haven't done my counseling homework from last time yet
(I don't get demerits for not finishing...it'll happen when it's supposed to happen)
I'm supposed to create some physical representation of myself when I was 7 and myself when I was 11 or a bit older
somewhere in there I know that I'm scared
I'm scared to find out what's next
but I'm ready too
and I feel "safe" looking
I know it's gonna hurt
whatever it is
but pain is just fear's way of leaving the body
I stopped taking Prozac last week
I didn't like taking it in the first place
only started because I was SO tired of hearing all the things that WEREN'T wrong with me and I was on the edge of a breakdown waiting to have SOME explanation for my symptoms
it was time to re-up the prescription...I decided against it
My pain is back
I feel like a walking bruise
but it's not as debilatating
and I have a new mindset
AND my mind resonates strongly with the fact that the doctor wasn't doing anything to HEAL me, she was just giving me things that masked my symptoms...not what I want
I want healing...not hiding
I'm scared of what I might find
I'm scared of what it means
I'm scared of what I think of my mom
but fear is just pain's way of leaving the body (**see comments below)
so I'm getting ready to feel REALLY good when all this is over
:)
4 comments:
"but fear is just pain's way of leaving the body"
or maybe pain is just fear's way of leaving the body. ;)
See...now you know I really DONT edit my posts before I hit PUBLISH
i thought the line was thought provoking (and true) either way
word verification: luffeta: the infamously bad brother to the muffeta sandwich
ha ha yeah
i actually had to read it a few times each way and say it out loud a bunch of times to see WHICH way was the original quote :)
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