Susan G. Komen for the Cure Central Florida

I did it!

I registered for a race 10/25/09

woot woot

You can view my personal page and support the cause!

sigh...i still don't like shopping

I started to get frustrated today

I'm traveling next week for some employee training and used it as an excuse to pick up a couple of staples for the closet...I can wear capri's and the new employer has no issues with my leg tattoo so woo hoo! an excuse to shop.

Funny thing...I found pants FIRST

size 12's even...the 14's were saggy

I found several tops...17 I think

but I didn't like the way my arms looked in them

sigh

now is not the right time of year to find 3/4 sleeve shirts and blouses

sigh

uber frustration

almost bought a VERY cool carry on rolling suitcase instead...very bali-esque

but I really don't need one of those

we have 3 (they're just boring black not very bali but...)

so I'm home

I'm packed

I made some left over tater-tots with wing sauce and cheese

not very healthy

sigh

and no matter how many times I tell myself I wont...I'm sure I'll have some ice cream tonight too

I've not been eating huge disgustingly over done servings

but really... I don't need the ice cream

sigh

ok really? is it that time again

really?

didn't i just write about my boobs being sore and a desire to eat?

really?

okay so much for mindfull

i'm beginning to wonder if I was actually successful at being mindful or if it's just my cycle

i ALWAYS eat MUCH less the week before my boobs get sore

it's my body's way of self correcting

&*()^%&*(&$$^&!!

dammit

Great session

Have I mentioned I love my counselor

she's awesome

I'm so glad I took the plunge

tonight wasn't so much about me...well it was...but it revolved around Bm

I DO NOT want to parent out of fear

I find myself doing that whenever she and I talk about body image or food issues

Bm often asks for a sweet at night

usually it's ice cream

and I've been trying to squash that

asking her what she "really" wants

turns out she probably just really wants something sweet

she's not like me

she CAN eat just one cookie

she Can eat SOME ice cream out of the container each night and have her quart last a week

she doesn't have to have a tiny container

she has restraint

So I need to let go

if she can't have it coz I can't afford it

that's one thing

but I don't need to "police" her intake

because she doesn't have my problem

it's my problem

Funny, it's actually a routine of hers

a routine! yes she has a routine so it IS possible

(she seems to be a flighty, fly by the seat of her pants kinda kid unless it's something she is uber focused on like reading or cheering or fashion design)

So *glimmer of hope* this new intention of mine to develop some new coping skills for her Aspie symptoms just got some encouragement :)

mindfulness of what goes in (and out) of my mouth

turns out they are very intricately connected

when there is something that I need to let out of my mouth, but am reticent to (for whatever reason) the "hand to mouth" behavior happens

when I let the something out of my mouth

the "hand to mouth" behavior stops

direct connection

good to know

I'm still being mindful

this week...mindful of eating within my means

yes, I'm looking at it financially...what if I ONLY had this to eat

I'm "training" myself to find satisfaction in what I have

Like now...

tonight I had therapy after work

I knew I would have to "eat on the road"

I gave myself a $5.00 budget

stopped and bought some sushi from the grocery store (with a penny to spare!)

enjoyed my sushi before my appointment

satisfied

I'm home

there is food available

the family ate something gluten-laden, so I can't have that (yes, that was intentional)

but there are other things I could eat

But I've had my dinner

I could say I'm a little bit hungry

but in all actuality, my body is nourished (according to what it needs) and my "hunger" seems to be stemming from my mouth...not my tummy

so I will not eat

the food that is here is meant for the rest of the week

it has purpose

would we make it the rest of the week if I ate some

yeah probably

but that's not the point.

Besides...it's 10:15 and I should be readying the bed...not a plate :)

So that's what I'll do

grateful frugality

What if I ate because I had to? What if my food choices were based on what is available?

It’s easier to think about these things now given the current economic climate. It really may be that I only have $50.00 or $100.00 to buy groceries to feed my family of 5.

But it’s honestly, deep down inside, the way I want to be.
I never wanted to strip the dignity of my children growing up and wanting to order of the “adult menu”…graduating from a kids menu is a big deal… but if you’re not going to eat the food, why order it? Just because you can seems like an awfully selfish reason.

So, if what I consume at each meal is all I can “afford” it is also probably all I need. If I’m forced to be frugal with my food, might I not learn that I’m very well nourished, and fed?

I’m working on being more mindful
Mindful of what goes into my mouth (as well as what comes out of it)
(What if) we are on a fixed income and there was only so much food
I wouldn’t die
I wouldn’t suffer
Heck I’d probably save money on clothes because I could go shopping in my closet

So I’m living like a pauper
I’m reframing this thought in my mind though because although we may be struggling a bit financially, we are far from poor in the world’s standards.
So the reframing looks like this…I’m eating this much because it’s all that I need, not all that I can afford. (I guess that works no matter how thickly ones pockets are lined!)

Yes, by default I will eat less
But I’ve been doing that more lately anyway (eating less, more often…not eating more)
It may be a challenge given my dietary restrictions (gluten free doesn’t always come cheap). I think I may become more appreciative, and more present, of what and with what I eat…and “they” say when you are more present while eating…you feel the sensation of satisfaction more quickly…therefore removing the need to continue eating.
“I’m gonna enjoy these 5 bites of sandwich because they’re the only 5 bites I’m going to get…I’ll savor and taste each one”

This morning I had an egg, 2 links of sausage and half an orange with some coffee
I made myself a ham and cheese sandwich on the GF bread I baked last night, packed the other ½ orange and some cherries and a jamfrakas bar.
I ate the bar with some warm water mid morning. For lunch, I ate about ¾ of the sandwich…I wasn't hungry for any more ... haven’t had the fruit yet.
I carefully re-wrapped the rest of the sandwich…it seemed awkward, it was only ¼ of a sandwich that most people, even I a couple of weeks ago, would’ve thrown away. But it “may be all I have” so I’ll save it for when I need it.

It’s now 4:10 in the afternoon…a point in time when I’m usually stark raving mad because I’m famished (how ironic is that) and I’m quite satisfied. Really not even thinking about food except to type this entry and to realize that I still have some food in my lunch bag.

My family is having hamburger helper tonight
We received a CASEFUL of ground turkey for free from a friend who drives a truck. (a vendor left it on his truck during a delivery and didn’t want to pay to have it shipped back so they just told him to keep it). The middleson LOVES hamburger helper and I’m working on doing things for the kids that the KIDS want to do (no, I won’t prepare overly processed crap everyday but after a long day at work ..sometimes easy is good and middleson was ECSTATIC when he heard what was for dinner so I’ll take the bonus points).
I can’t eat hamburger helper…it is definitely not friendly to the GI-me so I’ll create a meal out of what we have left, being grateful that we have something I can make myself rather than grumbling because there is nothing I “want” or have the taste for.

Perhaps this exercise will help me lead with my stomach rather than my mouth J

I want my kids to be mindful of this kind of thing too…Bm, because I don’t want her to develop the mindless eating habits I did at around her age. The boys because I want them to find their identity in more than just graduating to the regular menu and buying the most expensive thing on the menu. It will be easier than when I tried to do this before…(see this is how I instinctively want to parent) when money was no object and the hub said “let them order what they want.” Maybe in having to practice frugality, we’ll find gratitude, we’ll find satiety, we’ll find nourishment in other things and yet still be fed.

nourishing myself

mmmmm fresh bread

A few weeks ago I scored a double loaf bread maker (2 1lb loaves at a time) on Craigslist for 40 bucks.

I tried it out Tuesday (at which time I didn't realize the capacity).

I got a dual loaf maker so I could make the fam regular bread and myself Gluten free bread...and so I can make bread for communion at church on Sundays. We've been trying the regular bread with a few gluten free crackers on the side...but inevitably someone dips their bread in the gluten free chalice and voila...cross contamination so I offered to make bread.

So...Tuesday night, I made bread from a mix

i didn't realize it was for a 1.5lb loaf

my maker is a 1lb loaf machine...so while it was tasty, it was waaaaay dense.

Tonight I tried again...from a mix but this time I portioned it for my maker...

yummm...with a shmear of pb and a drizzle of raw honey it was a perfect dinner (I wasn't very hungry). The hub even liked it too!

I remember when I used to avoid bread like the plague

thought for sure it would hit my hips and be the death of me

Amazing how tonight I was satisfied with the thinnest, warm slice with a transparent shmear of pb...I used to eat that stuff by the spoonfuls...large one's at that, and yes I'd double dip!

It's a nice newness.

Good For Me

A banana, a cup of coffee (mmmmm) and a string cheese

Drove to Tampa for a morning appointment

Knew the drive home would be long

picked 7-11 over McD's or BK because I knew they'd have healthier choices (that's sorta sad)

sliced apples, a hunk-0-colby jack, and a big bite, just the meat no bun

ate 2/3 of the big bite and was not interested in eating anymore (no, not because it was gross, because I was done eating)

tossed the rest out the window down the highway because my mouth would've taken "one more bite" for the flavor

another 20 minutes down the road

still not hungry, the rest will make it home to the fridge for another day

later in the day...

went the pub with my hub

ordered a kids portion of grilled chicken wings (it was perfect!)

played several games of pool and several dollars worth of songs in the jukebox (my pool playing gets better the better the music gets but dang...a dollar doesn't go far in a jukebox anymore!)

Energy meeting tonight

tried out the new bread maker and made gluten free bread to test out as an option for communion on Sundays...I think I'll make it on a different setting but it went over well with the dinner crowd.

salad, veggie pasta...spooned myself out an appropriate portion

ate my salad, and a few bites of my pasta

genuinely full

pushed the plate away

dessert consisted of fresh fruit

I took a couple of bites off the hub's plate to get the "pasta" taste cleansed from my palate

done

so...I tossed the bite and pushed away the plate

woo hoo!