Mindful does not mean mistake-free

Sunday
Mindful at breakfast, ate only what I needed

Out to lunch
Found Gluten-Free Fare (at an Italian restaurant no less!)
Shared a meal with Bm
Enjoyed a “shot” of dessert
Brought home a for-me-later bag (I don’t share with the dog)…yes even with SHARING my meal I was satisfied enough to bring some home for later!

Dinner
The for-me-later bag was perfect

Later…
Started thinking I may want to open the fridge and see what was in it
Realized I was just bored
Read some of my book
Thought about the fridge again
Realized I would love to go for a stroll…through historic downtown, through the mall…but it was 7pm on a Sunday…all the windows are rolled up by then
Did the dishes, threw in a load of laundry, did my push-ups
Sat back down…still thinking about the fridge door…although the constant dialogue in my head really WAS “you’re not hungry, so why do you keep thinking about the fridge door?”
Said out loud I was bored and needed to do something or else I would eat
Hub was into his movie so I decided to go weed the garden
Weeded. Pruned. Watered. Fertilized.
Came back in sat down…still bored
Push-ups in the bedroom, sorted some laundry
Watching a movie
I opted for pop-corn
Jiffy Pop to be exact
Popped, lightly salted and buttered
Hub wanted some and I got “greebby” (greedy and grabby) and influenced him to make his own

We both ughfully decided afterwards we should’ve shared

So next time, I’ll share the popcorn
And we’ll probably still throw some away

All in all a nice mindful day

This morning…
Mindful breakfast
Packed a lunch
Realized 10 minutes into my 20 minute drive I left my lunch in the fridge
Yogurt as a mid morning snack because I truly was hungry
Soup and Salad for lunch…and 20 minutes with my book because it’s good to take a LUNCH BREAK
Just popped 2 mini york patties because I felt like my mouth needed them, not my tummy

I used to pack a toothbrush in my purse for just that very reason
Tonight I’ll dig it out and pack it for tomorrow…and other such occasions

Again…a nice mindful day thus far
Buddha would be proud J Heck, Shirley would be clapping from the clouds too.

A week

no kids for one week
emotions are semi raw sitting just under the saran wrap
will be some energy flow for sure!

starting to realize this "dream-like" state of life
deconstructing the book-of-laws and daring to be myself
even when you know deconstruction is right...it's still hard to break the rules!

I will never reject who you "be"
I may reject what you do

I'm also realizing there's more to me than a sneeze...
actually, now that I see it in print...that's definitely the title of a future sermon/post

I nourished myself today

I juiced

I emptied and then filled the dishwasher

I smushed the pulp from the juicer through my fingers and into the compost bucket

I purchased a "real" sized salad with none of the creamy froofie extras and enjoyed the taste of my veggies

I bought soup, with enough extra to have as a mid afternoon snacke

I had a banana when I got home in order to avoid munching mindlessly while trying out a new dinner idea

We had cauliflower tossed in egg and parmesean lighly fried in olive oil (in place of french fries)

and a made up variation of our old crab/tuna cake that doesn't have any gluten AND used pulp from the juicer in them too...

I"m mindful that there's enough food in my tummy

and was also mindful that i didn't really want a piece of chcolate my mouth just thought it did and I told my mouth no

I am so very pre-menstrual right now that I'm not dwelling on how i feel in my clothes but the view I got of my arms yesterday...dang who put knees where my elbows used to be? (if you have knees like mine, you KNOW what I mean)

Now it's time to wii.

Time flies

Wow! It's already been 3 months since I started therapy

It doesn't seem like it's been that long and yet even my counselor said I've accomplished so much in such a "short" period of time

She showed me tonight how I'm definitely not where I was when I first walked into her office back in April...and we definitely have charted a path of where to go from here

being honest, I wish I had something more physically tangible

But that being said...I am proud of all that has happened in the past 6 visits...

• I've found the source. The little voice (literally) and little me that harbors my attachment to food
• I am developing a relationship with her (little me) and we talk about why she feels the way she does, what she reaches for and why
• MY PAIN IS GONE...I guess that is a tangible, perhaps not the kind of tangible I was looking for but definitely something I can FEEL
• Instead of blindly going through a binge then lamenting afterward...I sort of "shirley maclaine" it ...the auto-pilot eating still happens, but I can see it and begin my inner dialogue with little me.
• I'm speaking to my feelings (and about my feelings) more now...if I can avoid the them getting stepped on, perhaps I won't have to eat to quell them.

So it's time to move forward...time to move from shirley maclaine to buddha

I need to tell myself to stop once I've started...and listen

and then, I need to learn how to circumvent the triggers that get me to a binge in the first place...or even mindless eating

eventually I just won't go there

:)

Don't be a Butt Head

'You okay?'

yeah

'You tired?'

no

'Am I in trouble?'

sorta

'What did I do?'

you've kinda been talking to me like a butt head lately

'What do you mean?'

I mean usually at night, you've been a butt head lately. Last night and a couple of times this week you're acting like you're annoyed with me.

'I'm not annoyed with you, I'm just annoyed'

I know, but you've been dismissive of me and I'm really working on that whole concept. It's not what you've had to say, It's the way in which you say it. You've been dismissive in the same way my mom used to be...and that's not you're fault that its the same, it's just the way it is...so I just need you to know that.

'I'm sorry'

I forgive you

It was uber hard for me to actually get the words out of my mouth and be honest about my feelings but I knew that if I didn't, I'd eat ALL DAY LONG. Forget that I'm pre-menstrual with swollen heavy painful boobs (they look great but don't you dare effin touch em coz I'll smack you) and I'm weepy and I eat anything that isn't tied down anyway...I would TOTALLY eat all day if I didn't SAY IT.

I was scared to say it...totally opening myself up to being dismissed again...but I did it anyway

and...I've decided my new "tag word" (warning sign that you're stepping on my heart) is going to be Butt Head. I know everyone in the house would get it so it's a good safety word.

had to miss my appointment last week because of the 36hr creeping crud

rescheduled for tonight and oh so ready

Kitchen Floor Cookies

No, this isn't a recipe although if you google that phrase it links to several recipes

This was the culmination of my afternoon

but this is a good story

We're entertaining the energy team tonight

I think there are 6 of us all together

We're making individual pizzas

I made my gluten free crust this afternoon

everyone is bringing toppings

should be fun...and help us get the creative energy flowing

I also bought gluten free chocolate chip cookie mix for dessert

blessed my time by cutting in the butter and egg and shaping them with love

as the first tray came out of the oven, the cookie rack slipped and 12 cookies hit the floor

I looked at the floor in disbelief

the two young'ns must've been scared because I had just finished being upset that #1son blew off the fact that his room needed to be clean for tonight (I don't ask for this a lot...God created closeable doors for a reason). Honestly, I don't feel as though the two issues were connected.

Interesting

As I cleaned the mess, middleone helped

and I quietly pondered how somewhere inside of me there was a piece that actually would've considered eating them, the pieces on the floor that is.

That somewhere inside was very foreign, not at all a desire, just something I recognized about myself.

I got over it and finished making the rest of the cookies

I ate two cookies

the rest are for guests after dinner tonight

yeah i ate em coz i was stressed and the warm gooeyness was good

but I didn't eat the ones off the floor

and I didn't lay into #1son

and he cleaned AND vacuumed his room in time

The brat ate the cheese

I shouldn't call her my brat

What she did was bratty

she was protecting me

that's what she does

and she at the cheese

all but one slice

thank goodness there were only 6 slices

My birthday wish?

Well originally my birthday wish was No cable for the summer

I knew that would get the big kibosh

So after several modifications I came up with

No TV on during dinner for one month

This didn't used to be an issue...we pretty much always ate at the table together

it's slipped away from us so I thought I'd try to ressurect it

So tonight

chili for dinner

#1son is at a friends house

hub pruned his feet working in the rain and doesn't want to get out of his chair

middle one does whatever hub does and blames it on the fact that #1son isn't here

I ate at the table anyway

Bm ate with me...but faced the TV

but she remembered, she said "I thought we were eating together"

little me...she ate the cheese

a slice in the middle of the bowl

a slice on top of the bowl

mix it in

not enough

2 more slices on top

mix it in

good

then one slice just to eat

there's one left

Then Me recognizes that there might not be anymore cheese left

and hub and middleone haven't fixed their food yet

So I'm rewinding and replaying the instance in my mind

Instead of thinking about what did happen and replaying that negative energy

I'm creating the solution and replaying the positive energy

I recognize that what I want is for everyone to have dinner together at the table

My family is not made up of mind readers, my sulking and hinting won't speak my words

"Dinner's ready, everyone wash your hands and fix your bowl. I'll get drinks for everyone, what would you like" I'd put the drinks on the table and make it inviting.

I also need to remember that No TV during dinner was my birthday wish

I put it out there

what they decide to do with it is up to them