That's so stupid...

***Warning, photos in this post may be disturbing to some***

I was hit with a wall of emotions this morning.
I'm finishing up my BA in Social Services (psych and soc) and there is a required lab component to my Biology class. The lab consists of dissecting a fetal pig.
About a week or two ago I realized I might have a problem with that...not because it's gross, or I don't like to get my fingers dirty...but a real problem...philosophically.
My BFF asked why I didn't try the 'conscientious objector' route...so I did.
I would be given an alternate assignment on the day of lab.

I thought this was a fair trade. I was willing to just take the hit to my grade for not completing the lab component (thus saving my Saturday), but that was not an option presented (even though I offered) so I was in a HS Biology lab room at 9:00 this morning.
It smelled like I remember HS Biology smelling.

photo credit*

I made eye contact with the professor, he acknowledged that he knew I would be completing an alternate assignment and I took a seat.




They were packaged in vacuum seal bags.
The baby pigs.
That or sloshing around in a formaldehyde solution in a 5 gallon bucket.
I started to feel a bit anxious.

photo credit

The professor placed one pig per dissection tray around the room and classmates started joking nervously (to quell their own discomfort I'm sure) about which were boys, which were girls and whether or not they squealed when they died.
At that point, I had to leave because I just couldn't breathe.


I went for a walk down the hall, found a bathroom and let out a good sigh and several tears.
That's when JOAN started. Who knew she had opinions about this too?

You know you're just being silly about this...

This is just so stupid...

They're all laughing at you, you know...

This is nothing to cry over and you are overreacting...

How could you feel this way if you didn't even know it bothered you until last week, I mean really?!

Just suck it up.

I wanted to leave.
I wanted to pack up my book bag, politely excuse myself, get in my car and cry all the way home.
I felt like I had swallowed my heart and it was stuck in my throat and my stomach was just churning.

As groups were assigned lab tables, my tears leaked a little and my voice cracked, a classmate suggested I go  wait in the hall for the professor to give me my assignment and she followed me out not long after.
She asked if she could give me a hug (I'm not usually the 'huggy' type with strangers) and as she put her arms around me I cried.

I feel like I'm being stupid
You're not being stupid this is how you feel
I'm in recovery from a life long eating disorder and I'm only just starting to 'feel' feelings.
Well no wonder this is so overwhelming

And the conversation went on from there
Turns out this classmate is recovering from some demons of her own past and although I might've liked it better if the Universe didn't decide to bring us together for our catharsis over pigs...I can at least find some understanding of why I was where I was at the time I was there...sigh

I got over the "I have to get out of here NOW" feeling, went into an adjacent classroom and waited for my alternate assignment. I looked at slides

paramecium photo credit

Amoeba photo credit

photo credit

Spirogyra was my favorite...and they were a pretty good band too


I drew pictures of what I saw, dialogued with the prof about what I wanna be when I grow up and made it through the entirety of lab (he ended 5 hours early...Hallelujah!)

No one thought I was stupid
A few different people poked their head in to make sure I was okay throughout the morning and after all the pigs were out of sight, I joined the class again for our lab wrap up.

I feel emotionally sore
You know...after you work out you feel it start to settle into your muscles a few hours later
That emotional surge is settling in
It's still a bit unsettling but...

I didn't listen to JOAN, I stuck to my guns and honored my feelings
I was honest about what I was feeling
I told someone (a stranger!) about my eating disorder and didn't feel shame
and I didn't eat...which I might have if I actually left when I wanted to.

There's success in there somewhere
someday I'll recognize what that feels like
but for now I'll just hit 'publish post.'
*Carolina's preserved pigs were not raised for the purpose of dissection; they are a byproduct of the pork industry. Most of the pigs were stillborn and would be discarded were they not reutilized for educational purposes.