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i took a personal day today

i made up some cockamamey reason why i needed the day off

instead of just saying, i'm taking a personal day

ugh

i wii'd this morning for 26 minutes of aerobic activity

just felt good to sweat, not necessarily exercise

i don't even really have a name for why i don't feel like going to work today

i just don't

i'm getting bills sorted out today

honestly, that sucks because we are so effin broke

but it's cool too because there are always loaves and fishes in the end

but somewhere i'm always apprehensive about it

hrmm...could say i feel helpless

i find myself longing to be the ultimate crunchy mom lately

my hair is in that "it's just gonna have to grow through" it stage (I've flipped my part...that bought me some time) and i just wanna wear a bandana or pull it back all flighty and curly

i'm drawn to brightly colored summer sundresses where my tattoos in all their glory can shine too, my hands are drawn to the dirt and the feel of each different type of leaf in the garden

i actually felt so fulfilled, inspired and full of love while grocery shopping the other day...almost radiating from the joy of knowing i was nourishing my family

i'd love to just be home with the kids and share in their discoveries

i want to finish painting the house without having to do it within a schedule

i want to create art

i want to babysit (coz we aren't having any more babies) and smell a little one's scalp and baby's breath...speaking of baby's breath, my soap comes in "plantable" wrappers that are laced with baby's breath seeds...anyone know the right growing conditions?

i want to read

i want to socialize

i want to bikeride and walk and feel the sun kiss my skin

i want to grow and prepare our own food

i want to commune

i want to truly know that the best things in life aren't things

ahh...that's why i'm feeling this way...bill day (which is a few days late) reminds me there are things that need tending to

sigh

i want long unruly curly hair with streaks of grey and the radiance of me

i want soft, experienced skin and lines around my eyes and in my hands and a well worn nail brush near the bathroom sink

i want appreciation for each and every inch of my beautiful body, for it is beautiful

the curve of my shape is attractive even to myself

i want deeper appreciation for the way and the reasons i was made

i want callouses on my fingers from the strings of my music

i want a week without technology

i want a life without technology

i know...be careful what you wish for

my mom visited yesterday as she went with us to the kids' graduation from elementary school

it was interesting in a shirley maclaine kind of way as i watched myself interact with her

i became quite a good hostess and giggly conversationalist and provider and Vannah as I showed off the newest changes to the house and the future plans we have

I made good coffee and was the good daughter whose children were the only receipients of straight 'a' honors for the whole year in their class

crunchy mom was proud of herself again

it's all those healthy snacks and well rounded lunches

all that encouragement to read and question

that allowed the only two from the class to hail from her hearth

and she teared as she smiled and beamed with pride

for whom...for herself or her children or both

or was it "in your face" to the blood mom of one of my own

who knows

only my fingers for I do not even look at the page as i type

i'm listening to and watching the story of King David on natgeo while a pile of envelopes and checkbook registers peers at me from the corner of my peripheral vision

time to move on now

coffee is not hot and is not cold...just in that middle yech bitter luke warm stage

something is calling me but i do not know or do not want to follow whatever it is, not now

today i just want a personal day

but what personally do i want?

sad when i take time to be with myself and can think of nothing my self wants to do 

i imagine this will be the longest post ever as all i can motivate to move are my fingers...we've moved from David to Herod looks like a lineage of the Christ kind of day on natgeo

the sun peeks through the banners in the kitchen

and oh yes! I hung the towards motivation in the closet

it was striking how quickly it affected me when i saw it this morning