Even when she doesn't want to

"Today, no matter where I'm going and no matter what I am doing, it is my dominant intent to see that which I am wanting to see." --- Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Boca Raton, FL on Sunday, January 12th, 1997 #351

Babs got kicked in the gut yesterday
These things happen...life is full of ups and downs and challenges that make us rethink our actions, behaviors, thoughts, relationships and goals.
It knocked the wind out of me
JOAN made sure I stayed down for a while and is still trying to keep me there.

The interesting development in all of this is...I actually allowed myself to experience a feeling
an uber ucky one at that

I felt it in all it's glory and paid attention to each manifestation it had in my body.
This is big for me, remember I'm the body-cut-in-half girl and where my head goes, the body does not always follow and where my body goes...the head does not always understand.

So my heart became agitated...not my physical heart, although I'm sure my heart rate was elevated for a while...but my heart chakra. I felt myself CLAMP down around that energy center and bind up...
My Babs was so entangled in that anger my stomach was churning and my mind was clicking through images like an old movie projector...and they weren't good ones.


But they weren't bad ones either.
My mind was standing up for itself
'Hey, if this is what you think about me then fine...I don't care...I don't much like you anyway'


That was the gruff side
the more diplomatic side was thinking
'We don't all have to agree all the time...you have your opinion, I thank you for sharing it with me'
but then adding...
'but I'll take my marbles and go play with the other kids anyway.'


Herein lies the conflict
When someone calls me out on something...i examine it
I mean, as we know better we do better, right?
But I don't wanna see that I could be wrong...I found myself defending my actions when I didn't even REALLY know what I was being called out about.
OY!


But JOAN has stepped in this morning
She sat on the arm of the chair last night as I brooded
But this morning she's taken a different tactic (probably because I didn't resort to food last night...yes the counter is still counting)
This evening I'm supposed to present to a group of soon to be newbies in the world of interpreting about Performance Interpreting. This is my niche. I have a certain philosophy through which I approach my work, it works for me and I've been asked to share it. 


But dear, this is the exact thing that this current flare up is about...so obviously your perspective is not a positive one. And really, why are you taking that drive again...you know you're just putting yourself at risk for that ugly behavior of yours.


You know what happens every time you try to assert yourself and flount your 'talent' no one likes a show off dear. You're not the queen bee you know, better to keep yourself humble and just stay home. Just send an email, say you're not up to the drive (because truly...you're not, you'll fail again and we'll be back at square one). Just stay home tonight dear. You'll be gone 3 nights out of the week this week and that's rather selfish of you.


Oh my GOD
so much of my body agrees with her...if my bones could nod they would
SHUT UP JOAN
Heck yeah I'm scared
Heck yeah it's risky
I'm not sure how to deal with 'proud' feelings and really just wish I had someone to go with me so I could see this whole thing through without screwing it up
But JOAN is not me
Everything she says is WRONG
and I'm vehemently shaking my head NO!


I'll make the drive
I'll share what I know
I'll drive back home


and before I leave...I'll pack good snacks in the car and make sure the iPod is charged with my favorite songs.


sigh
my body is not agreeing with my head yet


photo credit