Sit with this

That's how my last therapy session ended
No homework
Nothing new to think about
Just sit with all the stuff that came up
I'm human
I'm not a super-hero-woman
JOAN isn't really Joan
well of course she's not...why would Joan Crawford take up residence in my brain come on now...although, it is an interesting side note that she died in 1977 which is around the same time my eating disorder began...so she COULD be Joan.

Alright, of course it's not Joan, JOAN is my neat little package for all the voices that make up my Eating Disorder. But when I SEE those voices...JOAN is who I see so it works for me.

I said "yes, I can admit that perhaps this JOAN character is something I've created so i don't have to blame my mother" during therapy on Thursday. It kinda just flew outta my mouth and my body perked up...usually my head and my body participate in therapy separately.

So I'm sitting with that
Tara mentioned too...that if there is JOAN, it doesn't have to be ME, or my mother
So it's a nice way to compartmentalize the disorder.
I need that
I need my disorder to not BE me
because I am not my disorder

Ever since the young one mentioned that things could be stemming from issues with my mom ...that just doesn't sit well. I mean yes, I know I have child hood issues with mom...but mom being the source of my eating disorder does not resonate well. It doesn't sound right coming out of my mouth and it doesn't sit well in my bones.

So I tried compartmentalizing JOAN (I feel an art project coming on)
There's mom, who made me eat my peas

Dad, who soothed everything with food
Dr Snow who told me I'd grow this way (wide) not this way (tall) because I started my period
There is the ballet teacher who said I had no grace
The school culottes that rubbed the thighs raw
The elementary school gym rope I couldn't climb
There were the middle school girls who sneered behind my back
And the high school boys who wouldn't give me the time of day
But before all of that...before any of it, there was JOAN
She talked to me at night when I was alone in my room
(hrmm...my fingers are just typing here and when I read the words "she talked to me," I felt a little shiver)
I remember her there when my feet barely reached the mid-point of the bed
I remember her balking at things my mom said
So I don't know who JOAN is
but I know she's there
and I know who she's NOT
first and foremost
She's not me

but ...
she's been with me so very long
she just feels right
it just feels like she's supposed to be there
what would I do without her
what will she do without me
I know our relationship is toxic
but shouldn't I care something for her in her old age
hasn't she shaped me into somewhat of a semblance of who I am

why am I grieving the loss of her
why the heck do I care
does she not realize what she's done to me?
OF COURSE she does

ughh...this is NOT where I expected this post to go. Guess I should sit with things more often.

I start group therapy this weekend. It's a process group for compulsive over eaters facilitated by the same therapist I see for my individual sessions. I'll still do my solo work every other week...but I'm trying out the next 4 weeks of this group to see how it feels. Tara says she thinks I'm ready

...ready for what?

photo credit
you know, it's funny, I kinda like this picture
i may make it into my 'say no to JOAN' shirt
coz lil one is sticking up for herself and saying no...no matter the consequences
(e x h a l e)