Do you remember the scene in pay it forward where Helen Hunt's character tears the house apart frantically searching for ONE remaining drop of alcohol in her house
and she finds it
in the kitchen light fixture
and she drinks it
and everything feels right with the world for a second
but then it's not
yeah...
I know that feeling
it came in the form of a spicy chicken melt from checkers
some fries
and a hot apple pie that burned the roof of my mouth
She didn't care that she'd get sick
for that second she didn't care that she might fall off the step stool and break her neck looking... reaching for a drop of vodka
but for just that second
after that, she cared
i don't know why
i only know what was going on
i wasnt finished with my paper for class
(although I am now)
and my presentation is about what I want to be when I'm done with my education
it's all about me
ugh
I'll be sick tomorrow
I'll log too many calories today
and I'll restart my counter when I get home from school
I hate that "fix" feeling
I hate it and I love it all at the same time
GAH!
4 comments:
hey doll, i actually just watched that movie about a week ago for the first time, and i thought... holy shit... im helen! im like a woman on a mission searching the cupboards and ransacking my family members drawers for thei chocky stashs.
i am with you babs. i had a relapse in my bingeing 2 days ago.
I rang my mum and she told me to tell that F***ing voice to shut up!
and I lay on te bed, and yelled. leave me alone!!!!!
I know it feels like the end of the world, but remember it is the voice of joan in your ear whispering, you have failed, you are a failure. joan is a liar. joan has always been a liar. not one word she utters from her mouth is a word of truth, it drips in deceit. the babs voice is so much stronger, and is full of love and compassion, who you really are knows that joan tricked you and that you are a strong, courageous, talented, and incredible person.
I think you are a really beautiful soul babs. the last few posts of mine are about relapse too, the first one was on saturday or aybe sunday it has a lot of red writing in it. the damn voice!
YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND AND YOU ARE OKAY.
YOU ARE WELCOME EVERYWHERE
ANYONE YOU COME ACROSS CAN SEE WHO YOU REALLY ARE AS IT RADIATES ALL AROUND YOU AND YOU GLOW.
te pai ora (the good life)
be kind to yourself, maybe you could track back to where it started and see what went wrong. for me it started with restricting and the scales which i had stayed off for months, but before that i was feeling lonely... and then i restricted.
my friend was taught HALT
hungry
angry
lonely
tired
she has always relapsed when it has been one of those 4.
i know that you know all of these things, aswell, the reason i am probably repeating what you already know through and through is because sometimes it is hard to see whats going on when your right in it, sometimes its not, but just in case it is one of those times i thought id jot some of it down.
just for today.
sometimes i break it down for just for this hour.
this is what i said last night when i got some bad news:
just for this hour i am going to have a shower and sit with my feelings and not soothe with food (i have taken your soothe with food saying as it works for me, so thank you!)
just for this minute can even work i have found.
tomorrow is a fresh day, so is right now though!
so kia kaha ( be strong)
arohanui (much love)
ka pai (well done) for getting your mahi (work) done even though it may have been the last thing you wanted to do!
Like Lou Lou says, there are definitely some positives in here, like finishing your work for one thing. Sure, you had a blip, but you can't go back and change it now, all you can do is learn from it and move on.
Sarah x
OHHHH LOU LOU you made me cry this morning with all that love oozing out of my computer monitor
thanks to you and Sarah for being such a great voice when i needed the others to just HALT :)
xo
Babs
oh yay you wrote a comment back! i never do that, maybe i will start too as i always think so much after each one! im hoping the tears were happy tears :) HALT is a great one!
I was told that 50% of overeating is from hunger (restriction... in my case the other night i tried to skip half of my meal) and 50% is emotions, iv really began to understand that recently and see why my meal plan is so imporstant... while i develop some body trust (i still only 50% of the time know if im full or even hungry, as i get more into recovery i am sure this wil change)
but when i really heard that i though.. hell yeah 50% progress just by sticking to a do-able plan... sounds good to me! and both of my relapse behaviour came from plan wavering... so that has taught me even more.
so keep it up babs, and be kind to yourself.
xxx
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